written by Paul Gerard Smith
performed by
Pat O'Malley
When Pilgrims journeyed over 'ere to seek religious freedom, 
Our friend Sam Small came to the pier to cheer 'em and God-speed 'em,
And, carried off with sentiment, 'e 'ad a little nip,
Next thing 'e knew Sam Small was being carried off by ship.

When Mayflower docked at Plymouth Rock and the Pilgrims went ashore,
Poor Sam was so befoodled that 'e didn't know what for, 
'E wanted to go 'ome again, the Pilgrims muttered, "Nay, 
We've coom 'ere for a purpose, 'ere we are and 'ere we stay."

The Pilgrims was an 'oly bunch; they knelt and said a prayer, 
And Sam stood round and looked at them and wished 'e wasn't there. 
For prayers was one of fifty-thousand things 'e didn't know, 
All 'e could think to say was "Eenie Meenie Minie Mo."

The Pilgrims was fair shocked at that. They called 'im infidel 
And told 'im 'e must mend 'is ways or 'e'd wind up in 'ell, 
But when they said, "Stop swearing!" Sam refused to be a snob,
'E said, "You keep on praying and I'll go and get a job."

'E went to each log cabin, and to every 'umble 'ut 
To see if they 'ad rugs to beat or any grass to cut. 
One day 'e met Priscilla, 'oo was young and very sweet, 
And she 'ired 'im to scare indians, and keep 'er garden neat.

Old Sam was in 'is glory, 'e spent mornings trimming shrubs, 
Discouraging the angleworms and double-crossing grubs. 
Afternoons 'e went on errands through the forest to the town 
And spent nights extracting arrows from the place where 'e sat down.

Sam was jealous of 'is garden, and 'e put up little signs 
Like "Do not touch the roses" and "Be careful of the vines", 
"Keep off the Grass", "No Smoking" and if someone disobeyed, 
Sam convinced them of their error... 'e massaged them with a spade.

Sam was faithful, Sam was earnest, and in just no time at all 
Priscilla found 'erself depending on our friend, Sam Small. 
She would pause and say, "Good morning, Sam," each time she 
chanced to pass,
And Sam would say, "Good morning... read the sign, 'Keep Off the Grass'."

'Is coldness made Priscilla grow a little fond of Sam, 
For women some'ow like a man 'oo doesn't give a-rap 
And tho' she tried to show it, 'er advances 'e'd ignore 
'E was busy with his roses, to 'im. romance was a bore.

One day while in 'is garden, young John Alden came to call 
'E said, "I've got an errand, and I need your 'elp, Sam Small. 
Miles Standish wants to marry and Priscilla's 'oo 'e chose 
'E ain't got the nerve to ask 'er, so 'e sent me to propose."

Sam looked at John and asked 'im, "Wot's that got to do with me?" 
John 'ung 'is 'ead a moment, then 'e said, "Well, Sam, you see 
I 'aven't got the nerve myself... so would you step inside 
And ask Priscilla if she'd care to be Miles Standish' bride?"

Sam thought it over and replied, "I'll do the best I can, 
Priscilla's getting giddy, and she ought to 'ave a man. 
She annoys me while I'm gardening, a 'usband wouldn't 'urt. 
'Ere...'old the 'ose a moment, and be careful where you squirt."

Sam went in to Priscilla and 'e said, "Now look 'ere, Priss, 
It's 'igh time you wos married, and the situation's this: 
John Alden's standing right outside, the 'ole thing's quite outlandish, 
For John asked me if I'd ask you if you would marry Standish."

Priscilla blushed a lovely blush and said, "What can I do? 
Miles Standish sends John Alden and John slips the buck to you. 
I want a man with courage, that's the kind of girl I am 
Why don't you..." and she cleared 'er throat, "speak for yourself, friend Sam?"

Well, Sam was rather startled, and , 'e said, "You mean that you
Would like to marry up with me?" Priscilla said "I do." 
Then Sam replied, "Priscilla, dear, I cannot tell a lie
There is a girl I left be'ind at Cheltenham-on-Rye.

"Although I am a sojer and a faithful sort of bloke, 
And if I up and married you she wouldn't see the joke. 
In fact, there are ten reasons why this thing should not be done
And they are merely these... a wife, eight daughters and a son."

Priscilla fainted, and when she came to old Sam was gone, 
And so to set 'er nerves at ease, she up and married John. 
And Sam thinks of the garden 'e so thoroughly enjoyed 
For 'e's lonesome, and 'e's 'ungry-and 'e's likewise unemployed.
The end