Sam Small Goes to the Rose Bowl.... Pat O'Malley

SAM SMALL GOES TO THE ROSE BOWL
by
Paul Gerard Smith

Performed by Pat O'Malley (The Lancashire Lad)

ILLUSTRATION BY GEORGE PRICE

The Game at the Rose Bowl is quite an event
And tickets are much in demand
There are millions of folks 'oo would like to attend
But the stand only holds eighty grand.

Now, General 'Orace Fitz Morris McCoy
Was given a seat to the game
'E wanted to go but 'e couldn't because
'E'd a previous date with a lady.

The ticket wos marked "Use the W gate
Tunnel nine, section seven, Box B
Aisle two 'undred and ten, Lower level Row 8
And finally seat twenty-three."

'Twas a very fine seat, and Fitz Morris McCoy
Could 'ave sold it again and again
But a surge of bon homme inspired 'im instead
To give it to one of the men.

"Call all of the boys to attention," 'e roared
And 'is order wos promptly obeyed
Then 'e looked at them all in 'is fatherly way
And said, "Men of the Seventh Brigade

"I am 'ere to announce I intend to present
An elegant seat to the game
To the man 'oo, can say 'e 'as gone through the month
Without a black mark to 'is name."

Well, at that, 'alf the regiment walked off the field
Without any further ado
For they knew if McCoy gave their records a look
The Ieast 'e could say wos "Pew."

McCoy looked at the rest and said, "Lord love a duck
This outfit of mine is a jinx
It's a dismal, unruly, unsojerly lot...
It's shameful, It's sloppy. It's appalling.

"Surely one of your number 'as gone through the month
Without breaking all the commands
If you 'aven't, go back to your bunks and repent
If you 'ave, simply 'old up your 'ands."

Then, the General looked to see 'oos 'and wos up
And 'e found there were no 'ands at all
All the men 'ad gone off... that is, all except one
And that one wos... you guessed it, Sam Small.

When Fitz Morris saw Sam, 'e said, "Well, Private Small
So you claim that your record is clean?
For the last thirty days you've done nothink at all
That was wrong, underanded or mean?"

Sam replied, "Aye, that's right, I've done nothink at all."
McCoy, as they say, took it big
And said, "Where 'ave you been for the last thirty days?"
Sam simply replied, "In the brig."

Well, McCoy was quite fair. 'E wos forced to admit
Sam 'ad a legitimate claim
A man can't break rules while 'e's doing a stretch
So Sam got the seat to the game.

For the next seven days Sam wos walking on air
'Is excitement wos out of control
And on New Year's Day some'ow 'e fought through the crowd
And there 'e wos... outside the Bowl.

With a ticket that said "Use the W gate
Tunnel nine, section seven, Box B
Aisle two 'undred and ten, Lower level, Row 8
And finally seat twenty-three."

And 'anded it in to the man at the gate
And the man stared at it with a frown
And as Sam started joyously through 'e said, "Wait...
Your entrance is seven gates down."

So Sam took 'is ticket and elbowed 'is way
Through the crowd, and it wosn't much fun.
As 'e 'eld out 'is ticket a roar from inside
Told Sam that the game 'ad begun.

The man took 'is ticket and Sam started in
With a 'eart full of joy and delight
The man said, "This is W gate on the left
You want W gate on the right."

With cheers from the crowd ringing loud in 'is ears
'E tried every gate 'e could find
And when 'e found the right one the quarter wos done
And Sam wos 'alf out of 'is mind.

Sam dashed through the gate and 'e 'anded 'is stub
To the very first usher 'e spied
The usher looked at it and said, "Tunnel Nine
That's round on the opposite side."

Sam grabbed the stub and 'e ran like a deer
That 'ad sat on some 'ot turpentine
The man said, "Your ticket." Sam said, " 'Ere it is
And don't tell me this ain't Tunnel Nine."

The man took 'is ticket and said, "You're okay
You want section seven... let's see,
This is section eighteen, you go right straight ahead
Down six, over seven, up three."

So Sam fought 'is way to another young man
And gave 'im 'is ticket, and then
The young man called another and gave 'im the stub
And it started all over again.

By and by, by some accident, Sam got a seat
'Is knees and 'is ankles wos skun
And just as 'e started to look at the game
'Ewos shocked by the sound of a gun.

"Well, there goes the 'alf," said the man just be'ind
For ten minutes Sam looked at a band
And some boys dressed in white making pictures with cards
Across in the opposite stand.

But Sam didn't mind, there 'e wos at the Bowl
There wos still 'alf a game left to play
And band left the field, and the players ran on
And Sam wos excited and gay.

Then a 'and touched 'is shoulder and somebody said
"Could I see your ticket again?"
Sam produced it. The man said, "I'm sorry, old chap
You're across in two 'undred and ten."

So Sam staggered out through the tunnel once more
To where 'e 'ad been told to go
A young man took 'is stub, called another young man
'Oo looked at the stub and said "Oh!"

They sent 'im around to the end zone, and then
'E wos sent to the twenty yard line
Where a man took 'is ticket and said, "Over there,
Section seven, Box B, Tunnel Nine."

That night about midnight, the crowd wos all gone
And the watchman wos closing the Bowl
'E saw somethink odd on the fifty yard line
And 'e muttered, "Why, Lord bless my soul!"

'E crept toward the figure, 'is gun in 'is 'and
In case 'e should try to resist
And there wos Sam Small spinning round like a top
With 'is ticket stub clutched in 'is fist.

'Oo are you?" said the watchman. Sam came to a stop
And 'e said, "Samuel Small is my name
I'm in SEAT TWENTY-THREE, SECTION SEVEN, BOX B
And I'd like to know... 'oo won the game?"