SAM SMALL AND POCAHONTAS
written by Paul Gerard Smith
performed by
Pat O'Malley
I've told you of 'ow old Sam Small got on the Pilgrims' ship 
And was taken, quite by error, on an unexpected trip, 
Which ended up at Plymouth Rock, where they made 'im disembark 
With nothink but a toothbrush and a future that was dark.

'E did odd jobs for Pilgrims, fetching water, 'ewing wood 
Till 'e became the 'andy man around the neighborhood. 
'E watched the Pilgrims' children when the Pilgrims went to pray, 
And pulled arrows from the Pilgrims for the balance of the day.

At gardening and things like that Sam Small was rather lax 
But the Pilgrims all declared 'e wos a wizard with the axe: 
Give 'im an axe, point out a tree, and give 'im room to swing, 
And 'e'd 'ave it chopped to kindling while you sang "God Save the King."

'E didn't care 'ow thick they came, 'e didn't care 'ow tall; 
Hardwood or soft, a tree was just a tree to Samuel Small. 
They declared 'im "Sam, the Chopper", and every mother's son 
Declared at chopping trees down Samuel Small was champion.

Then one day at the meeting 'ouse a messenger appeared 
And 'anded them a message which started out, "We've 'eered 
About this man named Sam 'oo's good at chopping down a tree, 
If 'e's open for a challenge, let us know R.S.V.P."

It was Jamestown in Virginia where the challenge 'ad been sent, 
So Sam packed up 'is toothbrush and 'is axes and 'e went. 
'E 'ad to cross a forest, 'e wos groping through the trees 
When 'e 'eard what sounded strangely like a million buzzing bees.

'E discovered it wos arrows, the outlook was rather grave, 
If they missed 'im any closer, they'd 'ave given 'im a shave. 
Then suddenly 'e 'eard a loud and most blood-curdling shout, 
And 'e stopped and said, "That does it... there are Indians about!"

Sam turned and looked and saw that there were injuns everywhere 
Dressed up in almost nothink but some feathers in their 'air. 
Sam 'ad never met them socially, and didn't want to now 
'E decided to ignore them... but it didn't work some'ow.

They tied 'im to a sapling and started in to whoop;
Sam could see 'twas their intention to convert 'im into soup.
They danced a silly dance and then one redskin jitterbug
Took off Sam's 'at to scalp 'im, and let out a startled " Ugh!"

If you think an egg is vacant, Samuel's 'ead was twice as bare 
And there is no fun in scalping when there isn't any 'air. 
So, sadly they untied 'im and with 'earts bowed down with grief 
They decided that the thing to do wos take 'im to their chief.

And when Sam Small appeared before the great Chief Powhattan 
'E grunted and 'e said, "'Oo is this funny little man? 
There ain't no use in roasting 'im; 'E's bony as a shad. 
'E 'asn't got much meat on 'im, and what 'e 'as looks bad.

"I don't like to keep 'im captive, for we 'ave no food to spare, 
And still we can't go scalping 'im: 'e 'asn't any 'air. 
If 'e is going to stay with us, 'e's got to earn 'is keep." 
'E turned to Sam: "What can you do outside of eat and sleep?"

Sam said, "Well, Chief, I'd much prefer to let the matter drop, 
But if I must I must. The one thing I can do is chop." 
'E seized an axe and with one blow 'e felled a mighty pine; 
The Chief yelled, "Duck! Look out below!" and then to Sam said, "Fine!"

And from that very moment, our friend Sam Small began 
To devote 'is chopping talents to the Big Chief Powhattan. 
"'E's rather good on shrubs and trees," the big Chief proudly said, 
"I think 'e's about ready to lop off a captive's 'ead."

'E searched around the captive cage, and came back from there with 
A man 'oo wore a long black beard and called 'imself John Smith. 
And then 'e found a tree stump and put John's 'ead on top 
And turned to Sam and, indicating John Smith's neck, said, "Chop!"

Sam raised 'is axe obedient, but just before it fell 
'E 'eard a loud commotion and a 'igh pitched female yell. 
'E looked in that direction and be'eld a dusky maid 
'Oo wos dressed quite cool and fetching in a little wisp of braid.

The big Chief wos annoyed. 'E said, "Now, Pocahontas, please 
Go 'way before I spank you where you should wear BVD's. 
This butting into my affairs 'as really got to stop." 
'E turned to Sam and indicating John Smith's neck said, "Chop!"

One second she wos standing there, the next one she wos gone. 
She ran up to the tree stump and she said, "Move over, Johnl" 
Then turning to 'er father, she said, "Now look 'ere, Pop, 
I love John Smith and 'e loves me. Now go a'ead and chop."

Now here was a dilemma. There was nothink to be done. 
Sam knew the a axe 'e 'ad was only big enough for one. 
Besides Miss Pocahontas was a million miles from plain, 
And to chop 'er into portions went a bit against the grain.

So Sam put down 'is axe and said, "Now, listen, Powhattan,
If you want to chop up ladies, get yourself another man.
Oh, fie upon you Chief. Is this the sporting thing to do?
Is it cricket? Is it kosher? And your only daughter, too!"

Well, Powhattan just 'ung 'is 'ead and said, "You're right, friend Sam,
You don't know 'ow you've touched me, nor yet 'ow ashamed I am. 
But John Smith is a captive. And 'e must be punished some 
And 'e's flirted with my daughter, and convinced 'er, too... the bum."

"I know just 'ow you feel," said Sam, "and personally I'm 
In favor of a punishment that fits the dirty crime. 
And I've got one suggestion, let us call the fellow's bluff. 
Let 'im marry 'er, I think you'll find... that's punishment enough."

John married Pocahontas... and to start their married life 
At Niagara Falls 'e signed the register, "John Smith and wife." 
The clerk looked at the signature, and blinked 'is eyes and then 
'E said, "Good 'eavens, don't tell me that couple's back again."
The end