SAM'S GUGGLE BOX
by
Stan Masters and Harry Stogden 1951

performed by
Stanley Holloway



Once upon a time there lived, a man wi' t' name o' Sam
Thee might 'ave 'eard that name afore, maybe.
One day 'e got t'notion that he'd like to sail on t'ocean
So 'e went away an' listed in't King's navy.
'E went to the recruiting place, one morning on 'is bike
And said, "I've come t' join wi' Drake an' Nelson an' the like."
Chap looked at Sam an' said, "You've got ambition, I can see...
But afore y' gets t' Admiral, y' starts 'ere as an A.B.
Now what's yer name?" e' says like that, as sharp as any knife
"An' what's yer occupation... that's yer job in civvy life."
Sam looked quite 'urt at bein' spoke to curt as you might say
But 'e stood 'is ground to show 'e weren't afeared in any way.
"Sam 'Awkins is the name..." he says, as 'aughty as 'e could
An' me job is makin' GUGGLE BOXES, out of bits of wood."
He looked at Sam from where 'e sat, at desk an' raised 'is eyes
And on 'is face is what you'd call, a look of pained surprise.
"GUGGLE BOXES, eh!" says 'e, "Ah've 'eard them tales afore,
Now what exactly would they be... an' what d'you make 'em for?"
"Thou's got me theer..." says Sam at last wi' puzzled look in eye,
"Ah must o' made some thouands, but they never told me why.
I made 'em just six inches wide an' just six inches tall,
An' just six... why... they'd be six inches overall.
Reet in the top ah used to put an 'ole two inches wide
An' tho' ah tried, ah never could, quite get me 'and inside.
Bloke says, "This GUGGLE BOX sounds a funny tale t' me
So ah'll put thee down as carpenter." and so Sam went to sea.
One neet a great big storm came up an' battered Sam's poor boat
An officer nex' mornin' says, "Ah well, we're still afloat."
Now we'll need a carpenter to mend the damage done."
'E looks at list o' names an' says, "Sam 'Awkins, 'e's the one!"
'E sent for Sam an' when 'e came, 'e looked 'im thro' an' thro'
'E says, "So you're a carpenter, ah've got a job for you!"
"Nay Lad..." says Sam, "I ain't no carpenter, not me...
Ah ne're made nowt but GUGGLE BOXES afore ah came to sea."
'E looked at Sam as tho' the man were talkin' thro' 'is 'at,
"A GUGGLE BOX!... by gum owd lad, now what the 'eck is that?"
"Thou's got me theer..." says Sam at last wi' puzzled look in eye,
"Ah must o' made some thouands, but they never told me why.
I made 'em just six inches wide an' just six inches tall,
An' just six... why... they'd be, six inches overall.
Reet in the top ah used to put an 'ole two inches wide
An' tho' ah tried, ah never could, quite get me 'and inside."
T' officer, 'e glared at Sam, quite 'aughty you could see
"Ah'll take thee oop t' Captain... 'e'll know what t'do with thee!"
So oop in front o' Captain, Sam were taken tight away
An officer explained what Sam 'ad said that very day.
The Captain wi' a puzzled frown, were plainly very vexed
"GUGGLE BOXES! hmmm..." says 'e, "what will they think of next?"
'E turned to Sam an' said, "Now look, in all my life at sea
Ah ne'er did come across one, now then... what's it s'posed t' be?"
"Eh lad you've got me theer..." says Sam, wi' puzzled look in eye,
"Ah must o' made some thouands, but they never told me why.
I made 'em just six inches wide an' just six inches tall,
An' just six... why... they'd be, six inches overall.
Reet in the top ah used to put an 'ole two inches wide
An' tho' ah tried, ah never could, quite get me 'and inside.
The Captain takes a look at Sam, "Ah'll tell thee what," says 'e
"Thee go an' get a GUGGLE BOX an' bring it back t' me!"
So Sam gets leave to go ashore, to fetch a GUGGLE BOX
An' later on e' comes reet back t'Captain's door, an' knocks.
"Ah've brought thee one 'e says an places box in t'Captains 'and
An' Captain looks at it an says, "This beats t' bloomin' band...
It is about six inches wide an' just six inches tall,
An' just six... why... that'd be, six inches overall.
An' in the top there is a 'ole, about two inches wide
An' blowed if I can get me blinkin' 'and to go inside!"
'E turns it round and' round an' puts the 'ole up to 'is eyes
Like Nelson did afore 'im, with telescope... an' sighs.
An' then 'e lost 'is temper, "Drat the bloomin' thing!" says 'e
"I can't see what it's for!" an' then 'e kicks it in the sea.
Sam looks at Captain, then at sea, they both run o'er to side
An' both look at box that's floatin' on t' gently ebbin' tide.
An' then as box drew water an' it sank wi'out a struggle
They both distinctly 'eard it goin'...
GUGGLE GUGGLE...
GUGGLE GUGGLE...