T. W. Connor
A 'dirty night' at the "Tiddlers Arms,"
Where the "Skylark" sailors meet, 
And the wild waves wash the Southend Rock 
And the Trippers wash their feet.

He was only a soft-roed sailor,
But proud of his Union Jack,
And he told me a tale of shipwreck
As we stood there, "knocking 'em back."

While the harbour lights were blinking, 
The blinking harbour lights!
How much they know... yet no one knows 
Why sausages wear tights!

Said he of the tarry whiskers,
"I was one of the lifeboat crew!" 
I said, "Yes, get on with the story, 
I'm a bit of a liar too."

One night we were waiting orders
At the sign of the "Saucy Whelk," 
When we heard the fog horn ringing, 
And we rushed for our rum an' milk.

Then I ran home and told the Missis, 
For there wasn't a moment to spare, 
And I just stopped to feed the canary, 
As there wasn't a. moment to spare.

Then I parted my hair in the middle, 
And seeing her drop a tear,
I said to my wife, " Don't worry, dear...
Christmas will soon be here."

At last we got down to the beach, sir, 
All dressed in our oilskin togs, 
And the people started cheering
And calling us dirty dogs.

And there was the good ship "Glue-pot!" 
With a cargo of soldiers' socks, 
And a packet of seidlitz powders, 
Stuck fast on the Almond Rocks.

Now see, she is sending up rockets, 
And the villagers shout "Hooray." 
For what with me and the fireworks, 
They thought it was Guy Fawkes day!

But once in the boat with our "corks" on, 
Each man was determined and dogged, 
Though three of our crew had got the 'flu 
And the anchor was water-logged.

"Who'll volunteer?" cried our Captain, 
As he flourished a carving knife!" 
Who'll volunteer to board that ship, 
And elope with the Captain's wife?
And I was the man who did it,
For I know a woman's way.
I showed her a bill of a "Bargain Sale," 
And she came with me straight away.

And the Captain was so delighted
At losing his heart's desire,
His language put out the Lighthouse light 
And set the lifeboat on fire.

And the names that Captain called us
Made even the codfish stare. 
Then our boat turned suddenly upside down, 
And there wasn't a moment to spare.

So we waved our umbrellas,
As all good sailors do,
Till the shipwrecked men on the sinking ship 
Came and rescued the lifeboat crew.

And we shouldn't half get something 
If we all got our deserts.
We should all be wearing medals now 
Instead of sand-paper shirts.

But why are the church bells ringing?
Has the weather-cock laid an egg? 
And who is that handsome lassie 
With a lisp in her wooden-leg?

Oh, that's only a sailor's wedding. 
For years he's been away, 
Now he's giving her in December 
What the promised her in May:

A beautiful golden wedding ring,
Making them man an' wife,
And to-morrow he'll get up in time for work 
For the first time in his life.

So tell it in train and tramcar,
Or even a pirate bus,
How we didn't save the shipwrecked crew, 
But the shipwrecked crew saved us!
The end