A LANKY (Lancashire) MACBETH
On a heath all lonely and blasted
Weird women were drinkin' their gall
The weather it had turned awful dreary
And there were thunder and lightnin an' all.
Now Scotland were at war wi' Norway
An' a right to do were goin' on
King Duncan's army were fightin'
'T were lucky for him that they won.
Macbeth was the hero of the hour
He'd killed Norway's King fair an square
And Duncan were right chuffed when they told him
So he threw his cap in the air.
A smashin' chap were old Duncan
A real nice feller quite a toff
Burrhe were let down by t' Thane of Cawdor
So the King said, "Cut is ead off!"
Macbeth can 'ave is title.
What 'e's lost Macbeth now 'as won
So a messenger were sent to find him
And tell him what t' king 'ad just done.
Then Macbeth and his mate Banquo
Met the three weird old dears
Who made a number of prophecies
Which sounded sweet in our Mac's ears.
They told him he'd be made Thane of Cawdor
And one day that he'd become King.
Macbeth looked over at Banquo and said,
"Well 'ave you ever 'eard such a thing?"
To Banquo they gave him a riddle
Told him he'd never amount to much
But his children were going to be famous
And rule over Scotland and such.
King Duncan were made up wi' Macbeth
And he asked could he stay for the night
So Macbeth set off home quickly
To make sure t' spare room were just right.
Now Lady Macbeth had a letter
Tellin' her a thing or two
What the weird women 'ad promised
And how some of it had come true.
She were keen for her husband to get on
And wanted him to be King
So she plotted to kill poor old Duncan
She were prepared to do just anything.
Now Macbeth wasn't sure at all
And he tried to tell her who's boss
But she were not havin' any of it
And said, "Ee, I am cross!"
Ah've gone to all this trouble and strife
Of druggin' is guards; they won't hear.
Just use their daggers for t' murder
And then look, we're in the clear.
So Macbeth went and did the deed quick
He washed the blood from his hand
Everyone thowt t' guards 'ad done it
And it was all just as they'd planned.
King Duncan's two sons ran away
Thinkin their 'ead might be off next.
So Macbeth were made Scotland's King
And Banquo he were right vexed.
Macbeth were worried about Banquo
'Cos his son was framed to be King
So he planned to 'ave them both killed
In an afternoon when they were riding.
The murderers they weren't very good
And only Banquo were slain
Macbeth said, "You daft pair of buggers
Ah'm not usin' you lot again!"
The Macbeth's then held a big banquet
To celebrate wi' all their best mates
All the guests were in a good mood
Suppin' wine and beer by the crate.
When Banquo's ghost turned up
To Macbeth it were t' shock o' the day
So his wife quickly ended the party
And sent everyone home straight away.
Macbeth went back t' weird women
He wanted to find out some more
For they would know what was to 'appen
Of that now he was quite sure.
They told him, "Beware of Macduff!"
And what's more he could fear no ill
Until the wood that grew over at Birnam
Should move to high Dunsinane Hill.
But the thing that gave Mac most comfort
Was the oddest tale of them all.
For none who was born of a woman
Should ever be t' cause of Mac's fall.
Now Macbeth were right pleased wi' 'is news
He thowt he could never be beat.
So he went back to 'is castle in triumph
Thinkin he were safe in is seat.
He sent t' murderers to Macduff's castle
They killed everyone who was there
But Macduff had gone to England
To join wi' Malcolm, the rightful heir.
But Lady Macbeth were right troubled
Her conscience it gave her no rest.
She walked round the castle at night time
Fast asleep, only wearin her vest.
She tried to rub her hands clean
Of the innocent blood she had spilled
Her brain was truly moidered
By the thoughts of those they had killed.
Young Malcolm were clever and shrewd
He told his soldiers, "Don't fear
Just cut down t' branches from t' trees
And no one will know that we're here.
A guard were watchin from t' ramparts
He couldn't believe his own eyes.
As the wood started movin' towards him
And Macbeth were really surprised.
Macduff were keen on revenge
Macbeth he wanted to kill
If he failed in his quest he feared
His children would haunt him still.
Then he saw Macbeth quite alone
And called out to challenge his foe
But Macbeth merely laughed in his face,
"I've got a charmed life don't you know?
None of woman born can harm me"
Mac carried on the conversation.
Then came the terrible news
Macduff was born through a 'C' section.
Macbeth now knew it were all over
The weird women warned him of Macduff.
"Lay on do your worst" he did shout,
And dammed be him who first cries enough!"
The fighting were vicious and fierce
The battle went this way and that.
Then Macduff sliced Mac's head from his shoulders
And thought, "There's a feather in my hat."
Malcolm, Duncan's son, was made King
And he richly rewarded his friend
For it 'ad all been a bit of a hoo-haa
A rum do from beginning to end.