The Box Sketch... Jimmy James

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'THE BOX' Sketch
by
Jimmy James

Eli Woods

The verbal technique of Jimmy James found perfect expression in the lecture on the art of potato chipping, featured in his one Royal Variety Performance in 1953 and exposing the secrets of a champion chipster who had managed to steer clear of occupational "batterer's elbow" and "permanent wink", both demonstrated with imaginary fillet and invisible splutter and quite innocent when explained.
It was, however, in the routine with the shoebox that the individual components were seen to work with the most perfect cohesion, the vague otherworldliness of Woods and Conyers ( also played by Roy Castle ) seen at its most effective. Conyer's bumptious, "Hey, are you putting it around that I'm barmy?" sparked off a chain of misunderstanding focused on the box he nursed protectively under his arm. He had just returned from the unlikely post of Colonial Secretary in Egypt where he had been presented with two man-eating lions.

Funny Way To Be A Hero - John Fisher

Jimmy James and Eli Woods walk on stage discussing their luck (or their lack of luck) at that day’s racing...

Jimmy: Well that were a waste of time. That ‘orse will still be running when they get tomorrow’s racing going.
Conyers: (off stage) Oy!
Jimmy: What was that?
Conyers: (entering) Oy! Have you been putting it about that I’m barmy?
Jimmy: Why? Did you want it kept a secret?
Conyers: Now that’s not nice! Someone’s been saying that I’m barmy.
Jimmy: Well don’t blame me! (Aside to Eli) I’ll keep him talking, you go and ‘phone the asylum. Ask them whether they’ve done a head count lately and are they missing any.
(Eli doesn’t move)
Conyers: I heard that! You’re the one who’s been saying that I’m barmy.
Jimmy: No I’m not. Why do you think someone wants to call you barmy?
Conyers: Well, somebody is! And that’s not nice. I’m a well travelled man you know.
Jimmy: Really? (Aside to Eli) I wish he’d travel right now!
Conyers: Oh I can’t travel now, the last bus has gone.
Jimmy: You’ve got ruddy good hearing any road! Where’ve you been to on your travels?
Conyers: I’ve been all over Africa.
Jimmy: I can’t say I’ve ever been there.
(Business – they all look wildly around the stage. None of them looking in the same direction.)
Jimmy: Did somebody come on? Like I said, I’ve never been to Africa.
Conyers: Oh, you’d love it. I’ve been to South Africa you know.
Jimmy: Have you now? Nice people the South Africans?
Conyers: Oh yes. Very nice people. They gave me a present.
Jimmy: Really? What did they give you?
Conyers: An elephant.
Jimmy: Did they now? Where do you keep it?
Conyers: In the box!
Jimmy: Ask a daft question. (Aside to Eli) I can see as we’re going to be some time – go and get some coffee will you, and make that ‘phone call while you’re about it.
(Eli still doesn’t move)
Conyers: I’ve been to Kenya as well.
Jimmy: How interesting. Did you have a good time there?
Conyers: Oh yes. Very nice people the Kenyans. They gave me a present.
Jimmy: You don’t say. What did they give you?
Conyers: They gave me some giraffes.
Eli: B-b-black or white?
Jimmy: Oh, you’re still with us are you? (to Conyers) Isn’t that nice? He wants to know what colour the giraffes are.
Eli: N-n-no! N-n-not the Giraffes – the coffee! Do you want it black or white?
Jimmy: Oh good grief! ‘Aven’t you got it yet? Whatever they’ve got! (Aside to audience) I don’t like to ask him!. (To Conyers) Where do you keep the giraffes?
Conyers: In the box.
Jimmy: Somehow I thought you were going to say that! You can’t be serious! How can you carry an elephant and giraffes around in a cardboard box?
Conyers: I tie it up with string.
Jimmy: It gets worse. Where else have you been?
Conyers: I’ve been to Nyasaland.
Jimmy: Now there’s a novelty.
(Business as before)
Jimmy: I wish you wouldn’t keep doing that! I suppose you had a good time in Nyasaland as well?
Conyers: Oh yes. Very nice people the Nyasas.
Jimmy: I’m sure they are. Did they give you a present as well?
Conyers: Oh yes. They gave me a lion.
Jimmy: Really? (Aside to audience) I hardly dare ask him. (To Conyers) I suppose you keep the lion in the box as well?
Conyers: Don’t be daft! ‘Ow could I get a great big lion in the box?
Eli: Y-y-you could ask the giraffes to shift over a bit.
Jimmy: That’s right. You could ask the... oh you’re as bad as him!
Conyers: No. You can’t keep a lion in the box – I keep the lion in a cage.
Jimmy: Now that’s a relief (Aside) I really am afraid to ask him! (To Conyers) Where do you keep the cage?
All: IN THE BOX!!!