PAY THE DOLLAR
Abbott and Costello
Bud Abbott: How can I help you? I'm a pauper.
Lou Costello: A pauper? Congratulations! Is it a boy
or a girl?
Bud Abbott: Never mind that … I'd still like to know
where you're going to get the money.
Lou Costello: Now, Abbott, you know I got the money coming.
Now this is the end
the year -- no more after this.
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello: You know, 365 days in a year.
Bud Abbott: Well, I know that.
Lou Costello: I'm working for you, and you owe me a whole
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute …
Lou Costello: 365 days, 365 dollars, you owe me a dollar
Bud Abbott: Wait a minute, let's straighten this out.
Lou Costello: Pay me up!
Bud Abbott: You say you worked 365 days for me, and you
want to be reimbursed.
Lou Costello: Look, I don't want to burst anything! Just
give me my money, 365 bucks,
Bud Abbott: Okay, look, now don't get excited, take it easy.
Now, listen. How many
a day did you work?
Lou Costello: Eight hours a day.
Bud Abbott: And how many hours are there in a day?
Lou Costello: Look, now Abbott, don't try to put anything
over on me. There's 24 hours
a day, all but February, which has 28.
Bud Abbott: You're absolutely right, there are 24 hours
in a day. But by working 8
you only really worked one-third of each day, isn't that right?
Lou Costello: That's according to the way you figure it.
Bud Abbott: Well, one-third of 365 is about 121 dollars.
So you only actually have 121
coming to you. That's the way I reckon it
Lou Costello: You sure are wreckin' it! Come on, give it
up, give me the dough.
Bud Abbott: Well, you did have 121 dollars coming, but …
Lou Costello: I knew there was a but in it.
Bud Abbott: But you didn't work Sundays, did you?
Lou Costello: No, I had to take a day off to wash my lingerie!
Bud Abbott: All right, there are 52 Sundays in a year, deduct
52 from 121 dollars which
69 dollars coming to you.
Lou Costello: You're sure of that?
Bud Abbott: Positive!
Lou Costello: You see, I don't want you to cheat yourself.
Bud Abbott: Now, that's mighty nice of you, to look out
for my interests.
Lou Costello: I may as well look out for yours, you already
wrecked mine! Come on,
give me the money. Give up something, will you?
Bud Abbott: All right, I'll be glad to give you the 69 dollars,
Lou Costello: Hold on to your hats, here we go again! Look,
Abbott, give me a couple
dollars. How's that?
Bud Abbott: Well, you must admit you only worked a half
a day on Saturday, isn't that
Lou Costello: Partner! Now that I'm losing money, I'm a
partner! Look, will you give me
dollar? I'll settle … give me a half a buck.
Bud Abbott: Now wait a minute! Wait a minute, just a second.
Just a minute, now
Lou Costello: You just had a toehold on my 69 dollars.
Bud Abbott: Oh yes, yes. a half a day on Saturdays, 52 Saturdays
in a year, one half
52 is 26, so you will deduct 26 from 69, leaving you the sum
Lou Costello: Sum of?
Bud Abbott: Yes, sum of.
Lou Costello: If I get some of it, I'll be lucky! Look,
Abbott, give me a quarter, will you
me have a quarter? Give me 20 cents.
Bud Abbott: Well, now wait a minute.
Lou Costello: I'm going out of here with something!
Bud Abbott: Now wait a minute, just a minute. There's still
a balance of 43 dollars. But!
Lou Costello: Stop 'butting'! You're getting my goat!
Bud Abbott: But you took a two weeks vacation, didn't you?
Lou Costello: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bud Abbott: That's 14 days. Take 14 from 43 dollars, leaving
you the exact sum of 29
Lou Costello: Look, Abbott, will you give me a dime? Is
that asking too much? Will
give me anything?
Bud Abbott: Well, I'd give you the 29 dollars,
Both: but …
Lou Costello: I know it as good as you do!
Bud Abbott: How much time did you take off for lunch?
Lou Costello: Oh, this is going to run into money! I took
off one hour a day.
Bud Abbott: Very well, 365 hours is equal to 15 days, I
Lou Costello: You might as well take it, you've taken everything
else! Go ahead!
Both: 15 from 29 leaves 14, but …
Lou Costello: Now I know it better than you do! Look, Abbott,
will you give me
Will you give me a nickel?
Bud Abbott: What do you mean?
Lou Costello: Give me four pennies!
Bud Abbott: What do you mean give you four pennies?
Lou Costello: Look, can you spare a rat biscuit? Maybe you
got a spare mothball?
Bud Abbott: A mothball?
Lou Costello: Look, is it asking … give me a sardine, go
ahead, Mrs. Niles is going to
me in the can anyway!
Bud Abbott: Just a minute, let's straighten this thing out.
There are 13 holidays in a
you which you didn't work, and as you only have 14 dollars
to you, we deduct the 13 from the fourteen, leaving you the
sum of 1 dollar. Here you are, my dear friend, and good luck
Lou Costello: Nice work, Abbott. I need money for a lawyer
because Mrs. Niles is
to throw me in jail, and you're giving me only a dollar.
Bud Abbott: Let's have no more words about it!
Lou Costello: One measly dollar! After I worked and slaved
for you for a whole year!
Bud Abbott: I always pay my obligations - here's your dollar.
Lou Costello: I wouldn't mind, Abbott, I wouldn't care if
it was just for me alone, I need
than a dollar. I got another mouth to feed.
Bud Abbott: Now listen, your troubles are not my … wait
a minute. You what?
Lou Costello: I have another mouth to feed.
Bud Abbott: Another mouth to feed? You never told me that.
Lou Costello: I know it.
Bud Abbott: Why, you've been with me all this time, Costello,
and now you tell me you
another mouth to feed? Why didn't you tell me that before?
Lou Costello: I was ashamed.
Bud Abbott: Oh, you fortunate fellow, that's nothing to
be ashamed of. I was only
about the other money. Here, here's your 365 dollars.
to show you that my heart's in the right place, here's 50 dollars
my own. You should be so happy! What is it, a boy or a girl?
Lou Costello: A goldfish!
Bud Abbott: Get out of here!