THE LOST POLICEMAN
with
Sandy Powell
assisted by Little Percy (1929)

SANDY: Oh, what a life, what a life to be a policeman. You know, I've been on my beat all day, I haven't had one case yet, not one case. Hullo, here's a little boy coming along - I wonder what he wants. Hullo, son - what's the matter? PERCY: Can you tell me where I can find a policeman, please? SANDY: I beg your pardon? PERCY: Can you tell me where I can find a policeman, please? SANDY: What do you think I am, a sea-lion or something? Why - what do you want a policeman for? PERCY: Our 'Erbert's fell in the river. SANDY: Your 'Erbert's fell in the river? Oh, I am sorry, really I am. Your 'Erbert's fell in the river, eh. Oh, it is a shame - has he - er - has he been in the river very long? PERCY: Oh no, just now. SANDY: Just now? Oh, well, that isn't so bad, then. He'll get used to it when he's been in a bit, you know. Has he ever been in a river before? PERCY: No. SANDY: Oh, well, it'll be a change for him, then. Can your 'Erbert swim? PERCY: No. SANDY: Oh, well now's his chance to learn, then. Well I'll take a few particulars down if you don't mind ... PERCY: But what about our 'Erbert? SANDY: It's all right, now - I'm doing my best. I'm going to take it all down. I'm going to get my book out - `the above have arrived' - oh, that's the wrong one. Ah, this is the one ... PERCY: What about our 'Erbert? SANDY: All right, now give me a fair chance, now, give me a fair chance. Now your 'Erbert's in the river, isn't he? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: That is one boy in one river. Now, what is your name, please? PERCY: It's not me that's in the river, it's our 'Erbert. SANDY: I know all about that - I want to know who you are. I know where your 'Erbert is - he's in the river. I want to know your name. And anything you say will be taken down and used in your favour against you. Now, what is your name, please? PERCY: Percy. SANDY: Percy. And where were you born? PERCY: London. SANDY: Born in London - what part? PERCY: All of me. SANDY: Another one like that and you'll be where your 'Erbert is. And do you live in London? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: Yes, well how long have you lived in London? PERCY: Fifteen years. SANDY: Fifteen years. How old are you? PERCY: Twelve. SANDY: And we don't want any sarcasm at all. And have you lived in London all your life? PERCY: Not yet. SANDY: You're just about my size, you are, you know. Now - have you got a mother and father at all? PERCY: What about our 'Erbert? SANDY: I know, I know where he is - he's in the river, isn't he? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: Well, it's all right - I can't do two things at once. Have you got a mother and father? PERCY: I've got a father, but I haven't got a mother. SANDY: You haven't got a mother? PERCY: No. SANDY: Have you never had a mother? PERCY: No. SANDY: I must put that down. Now you've got a father, haven't you? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: Does your father work? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: Shame. Well - how long has your father been in his present position? PERCY: Three months. SANDY: Three months? And what is he doing? PERCY: Six months. A friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number? SANDY: I beg your pardon? PERCY: A friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number? SANDY: What are you talking about? A friend of yours had a hat and she lost it, what's her telephone number? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: I don't know, what is it? PERCY: Avenue one. SANDY: I give it up. PERCY: Another friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number? SANDY: Go on, I'll buy it... what is it? PERCY: Avenue one two. SANDY: I aught to have known better, you know. PERCY: Another friend of mine... SANDY: I don't want to hear anymore about your friends, at all... PERCY: ...had a hat and she lost it... SANDY: And I hope she never finds it again PERCY: ... what's her telephone number? SANDY: I don't want to hear anymore about your friends, I've told you! PERCY: What about our 'Erbert? SANDY: Oh Yes!... yes, your 'Erbert... now your 'Erbert's lost his telephone number, hasn't he? PERCY: No, he's in the river. SANDY: Oh, the river, yes. Now you were there when your 'Erbert fell in, weren't you? PERCY: Yes. SANDY: Well now, how many times did your 'Erbert come up? PERCY: Three times. SANDY: Three times? Oh, well I don't think he'll come up any more, then. No, I'm sorry... No, I can't do any more for you now, Percy. So the best thing you can do now, the best thing is to go home and tell your Father. PERCY: But I'm Lost! SANDY: Lost?... Where do you live? PERCY: London. SANDY: Oh, don't start again! I know you live in London, but what part? PERCY: All... SANDY: And don't you say 'All of me.' again. What street do you live in? PERCY: I don't know. SANDY: Do you know the number? PERCY: No. SANDY: Oh! Well that makes it a bit awkward for me, 'cos I don't really know where I am. I've never really been on this beat before. But, do you know where the police station is? PERCY: No. SANDY: You don't? PERCY: No. SANDY: Oh! well I'm lost as well, then! PERCY CRIES. SANDY: Aah! no, don't cry, Percy... Daddy's with you. (Sings the first line of 'Sonny Boy)' SANDY: Now listen, Shaddup... Now listen, Percy, now you don't know where you live, do you? PERCY: No. SANDY: And your 'Erbert's in the river... and I don't know where the police station is. So what do you think we'd better do? PERCY: I don't know. SANDY: Oh! I've got an idea... I know what we'll do... (Sings: 'Let's all go into the workhouse....)