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THE LOST POLICEMAN
with
Sandy Powell
assisted by Little Percy (1929)
pic

SANDY: Oh, what a life, what a life to be a policeman. You know, I've been on my beat all day, I haven't had one case yet, not one case. Hullo, here's a little boy coming along - I wonder what he wants. Hullo, son - what's the matter?
PERCY: Can you tell me where I can find a policeman, please?
SANDY: I beg your pardon?
PERCY: Can you tell me where I can find a policeman, please?
SANDY: What do you think I am, a sea-lion or something? Why - what do you want a policeman for?
PERCY: Our 'Erbert's fell in the river.
SANDY: Your 'Erbert's fell in the river? Oh, I am sorry, really I am. Your 'Erbert's fell in the river, eh. Oh, it is a shame - has he - er - has he been in the river very long?
PERCY: Oh no, just now.
SANDY: Just now? Oh, well, that isn't so bad, then. He'll get used to it when he's been in a bit, you know. Has he ever been in a river before?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: Oh, well, it'll be a change for him, then. Can your 'Erbert swim?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: Oh, well now's his chance to learn, then. Well I'll take a few particulars down if you don't mind ...
PERCY: But what about our 'Erbert?
SANDY: It's all right, now - I'm doing my best. I'm going to take it all down. I'm going to get my book out - `the above have arrived' - oh, that's the wrong one. Ah, this is the one ...
PERCY: What about our 'Erbert?
SANDY: All right, now give me a fair chance, now, give me a fair chance. Now your 'Erbert's in the river, isn't he?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: That is one boy in one river. Now, what is your name, please?
PERCY: It's not me that's in the river, it's our 'Erbert.
SANDY: I know all about that - I want to know who you are. I know where your 'Erbert is - he's in the river. I want to know your name. And anything you say will be taken down and used in your favour against you. Now, what is your name, please?
PERCY: Percy.
SANDY: Percy. And where were you born?
PERCY: London.
SANDY: Born in London - what part?
PERCY: All of me.
SANDY: Another one like that and you'll be where your 'Erbert is. And do you live in London?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: Yes, well how long have you lived in London?
PERCY: Fifteen years.
SANDY: Fifteen years. How old are you?
PERCY: Twelve.
SANDY: And we don't want any sarcasm at all. And have you lived in London all your life?
PERCY: Not yet.
SANDY: You're just about my size, you are, you know. Now - have you got a mother and father at all?
PERCY: What about our 'Erbert?
SANDY: I know, I know where he is - he's in the river, isn't he?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: Well, it's all right - I can't do two things at once. Have you got a mother and father?
PERCY: I've got a father, but I haven't got a mother.
SANDY: You haven't got a mother?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: Have you never had a mother?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: I must put that down. Now you've got a father, haven't you?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: Does your father work?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: Shame. Well - how long has your father been in his present position?
PERCY: Three months.
SANDY: Three months? And what is he doing?
PERCY: Six months. A friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number?
SANDY: I beg your pardon?
PERCY: A friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number?
SANDY: What are you talking about? A friend of yours had a hat and she lost it, what's her telephone number?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: I don't know, what is it?
PERCY: Avenue one.
SANDY: I give it up.
PERCY: Another friend of mine had a hat and she lost it... what's her telephone number?
SANDY: Go on, I'll buy it... what is it?
PERCY: Avenue one two.
SANDY: I aught to have known better, you know.
PERCY: Another friend of mine...
SANDY: I don't want to hear anymore about your friends, at all...
PERCY: ...had a hat and she lost it...
SANDY: And I hope she never finds it again
PERCY: ... what's her telephone number?
SANDY: I don't want to hear anymore about your friends, I've told you!
PERCY: What about our 'Erbert?
SANDY: Oh Yes!... yes, your 'Erbert... now your 'Erbert's lost his telephone number, hasn't he?
PERCY: No, he's in the river.
SANDY: Oh, the river, yes. Now you were there when your 'Erbert fell in, weren't you?
PERCY: Yes.
SANDY: Well now, how many times did your 'Erbert come up?
PERCY: Three times.
SANDY: Three times? Oh, well I don't think he'll come up any more, then. No, I'm sorry... No, I can't do any more for you now, Percy. So the best thing you can do now, the best thing is to go home and tell your Father.
PERCY: But I'm Lost!
SANDY: Lost?... Where do you live?
PERCY: London.
SANDY: Oh, don't start again! I know you live in London, but what part?
PERCY: All...
SANDY: And don't you say 'All of me.' again. What street do you live in?
PERCY: I don't know.
SANDY: Do you know the number?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: Oh! Well that makes it a bit awkward for me, 'cos I don't really know where I am. I've never really been on this beat before. But, do you know where the police station is?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: You don't?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: Oh! well I'm lost as well, then!
PERCY CRIES.
SANDY: Aah! no, don't cry, Percy... Daddy's with you. (Sings the first line of 'Sonny Boy)'
SANDY: Now listen, Shaddup... Now listen, Percy, now you don't know where you live, do you?
PERCY: No.
SANDY: And your 'Erbert's in the river... and I don't know where the police station is. So what do you think we'd better do?
PERCY: I don't know.
SANDY: Oh! I've got an idea... I know what we'll do...
Sings: 'Let's all go into the workhouse....'
 
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