A Surrealist Alphabet... Clapham and Dwyer

A SURREALIST ALPHABET
performed by
Clapham and Dwyer

"Hello, Uncle Charlie... and what have you got for the kiddies, this afternoon?"
"Hello, Uncle Willie... well I've got cakes and some porridge and..."
"No, no... what have you got in the way of entertainment?"
"Oh!... I've got a new alphabet."
"A new alphabet?"
"A brand new alphabet... it's a surreal-al-al-al-ist alphabet."
"A what?"
"Don't you know what surreal-al-al-al-ism is?"
"Oh!... surrealism!... Something different!"
"That's it!... instead of 'A for apple', 'B for boy' and 'C for cat'..."
"Ah!... you're going to be changing all that!"
"Yes, I'm going to be all new."
"May we try it?"
"We'll try it now, shall we?"
"Off we go, then."

A for 'orses (Hay for Horses)
B for Mutton (Beef or mutton)
C for th' 'ighlanders (Seaforth Highlanders)
D for ential (Differential)
E for Adam (Eve for Adam)
F for vessence (Effervesence)
G for police (Chief of police)
H for respect (Have respect)
I for novello (Ivor Novello)
J for orange (Jaffa orange)
K for ancis (Kay Francis)
L for leather (Hell for leather)
M for sis (Emphasis)
N for lope (Envelope)
O for the garden wall (Over the garden wall)
P for relief (Pee for relief)
Q for music (Cue for music)
R for mo ('Arf a mo)
S for you (it's for you)
T for 2 (Tea for two)
U for films
V for la France (Viva la France)
W for a fiver (Double you for a fiver)
X for breakfast (Eggs for breakfast)
Y for God's sake (Why, for God's sake)
Z for breezes (Zephyr breezes)

And a few alternatives...

C for miles (See for Miles)
E for ning Standard (Evening Standard)
E for brick ('Eave a brick)
O for the wings of a dove
Q for a bus (Queue for a bus)
R for Askey (Arthur Askey)
S for me to know and you to find out (That's for me to know etc.)
T for biting (Teeth for biting)
V for L'Espana (Viva L' Espana)
Y for mistress (Wife or Mistress)