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THE CELESTIAL GOLF MATCH
by
John Bilsborough

In Heaven, some folk like to play,
at Golf. They do it every day.
It's not all clouds in Heaven, you know,
They've got a seaside, where they go.
On holiday, with sea and sand,
and picture postcards, like St Annes.
And every year, on Mothers's Day
the golfers gather there, to play.

A competition, leading up,
to't Grand Celestial Challenge Cup.
Each year the lucky winner gets,
the cup and fifty cigarettes.
Last year the match were keenly fought,
and scores were equal... people thought.
They might declare a tie, but no...
three into fifty fags won't go.

So they had a play-off after tea,
Saint Peter, Jesus, God. Them three.
Saint Peter started. What a shot!
And when it landed, it were not.
Above twelve inches from the flag.
"Aye aye," he says. "It's in the bag.
Come on, J.C. I'll bet a quid,
you can't beat that. But Jesus did.

It landed _ so far from the hole,
so, with the utmost self-control.
As if to say "I told you so..."
He turned to God and said "Your Go."
"Oh, nice one, Son," the crowd all roared,
what changed to cries of, "Oh, my Gawd..."
When, third and last, God played his stroke.
In clouds of earth and dust and smoke,

The ball shot off and disappeared,
into the rough. Some people jeered.
The rest, rspectfully, said nowt,
when from the grass came running out.
A rabbit, aye, but that's not all -
betwix its jaws it held... the ball!
The crowd went mad. They'd never seen
a game like this. Across the green.

The rabbit ran, when, from the sky
a golden eagle, flying by.
Swooped down and, with its pointy claws,
it seized the rabbit. Up it soars...
And far away? Oh, no. Instead,
a bolt of lightning strikes it dead,
and down to heaven again they fall,
the bird, the rabbit and the ball.

Fall fast and faster through the air,
to land, not half-a-yard from where.
It all began, upon the green.
The ball, propelled by some unseen.
Mysterious force begins to roll,
and ends up right there next to'th hole!
A worm, disturbed by all the din,
sticks out its head and... knocks it in.

A hole in one! The crowd goes mad.
And Jesus turns and says, "Look, Dad,
you've made your point, but all the same,
for heaven's sake, it's just a game!
 
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