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COFFEE CUP'S RACE
by
Greatrex Newman and Charles Wolsely (1925)

performed by
Bransby Williams

You've heard about Coffee Cup's Derby
Well I trained the horse for the race
I've trained over ten thousand winners
And five thousand more for a place
The Coffee Cup looked like a Shetland
Her tiny black mane shone like silk
Her mouth was so small that to feed her
We had to condense all the milk.

We stabled her out in the green house
In the hope that she'd grow under glass
But Coffee Cup never got bigger
She still remained just demi-tasse
The first big event that she ran in
I felt scared to death I must own
She raced for a bride and a fortune
To win me the Derby and Joan.

The bookmakers all tried to dope her
They knew that the horse couldn't fail
They tried to put glue in her porridge
They tried to put salt on her tail
On the way to the race I got anxious
I'd heard of the crooks in the town
So I took Coffee Cup in a taxi
In case she got pinched going down.

We got to the race course in safety
But Hawkin the jockey then struck
He objected to ride on a Friday
In case it should bring him bad luck
I rang up the Labour Exchanges
But they all got mixed on the phone
And sent round a heavyweight boxer
A giant of thirty four stone.

There wasn't time now to replace him
So off he was sent on the course
The mob gave a yell when they saw him
He was three times the size of the horse
As soon as he sat in the saddle
Poor Coffee Cup started to cough
He just put his knees in the stirrups
The flag fell, Hurrah, they were off.

The first quarter mile was a whirlwind
But gamely away there she egged
The weight I could see must be telling
For the horse was becoming bow-legged
Coffee Cup still plodded onward
The corner she somehow got round
The jockey had hard work to ride her
His feet kept touching the ground.

The others were gaining upon her
She gave a low pitiful whine
I saw that the poor horse had got hiccoughs
As well as a kink in her spine
I knew now she'd not stay the distance
She seemed to have cramp in her legs
She staggered, she fell, she lay helpless
Poor Coffee Cup drained to the dregs.

Then up jumped the stout hearted jockey
Tho' I had quite given up the ghost
He stooped and he picked up the horse in his arms
And ran with her first passed the post

 
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