COFFEE CUP'S RACE
by Greatrex Newman and Charles Wolsely (1925) performed by Bransby Williams You've heard about Coffee Cup's Derby Well I trained the horse for the race I've trained over ten thousand winners And five thousand more for a place The Coffee Cup looked like a Shetland Her tiny black mane shone like silk Her mouth was so small that to feed her We had to condense all the milk. We stabled her out in the green house In the hope that she'd grow under glass But Coffee Cup never got bigger She still remained just demi-tasse The first big event that she ran in I felt scared to death I must own She raced for a bride and a fortune To win me the Derby and Joan. The bookmakers all tried to dope her They knew that the horse couldn't fail They tried to put glue in her porridge They tried to put salt on her tail On the way to the race I got anxious I'd heard of the crooks in the town So I took Coffee Cup in a taxi In case she got pinched going down. We got to the race course in safety But Hawkin the jockey then struck He objected to ride on a Friday In case it should bring him bad luck I rang up the Labour Exchanges But they all got mixed on the phone And sent round a heavyweight boxer A giant of thirty four stone. There wasn't time now to replace him So off he was sent on the course The mob gave a yell when they saw him He was three times the size of the horse As soon as he sat in the saddle Poor Coffee Cup started to cough He just put his knees in the stirrups The flag fell, Hurrah, they were off. The first quarter mile was a whirlwind But gamely away there she egged The weight I could see must be telling For the horse was becoming bow-legged Coffee Cup still plodded onward The corner she somehow got round The jockey had hard work to ride her His feet kept touching the ground. The others were gaining upon her She gave a low pitiful whine I saw that the poor horse had got hiccoughs As well as a kink in her spine I knew now she'd not stay the distance She seemed to have cramp in her legs She staggered, she fell, she lay helpless Poor Coffee Cup drained to the dregs. Then up jumped the stout hearted jockey Tho' I had quite given up the ghost He stooped and he picked up the horse in his arms And ran with her first passed the post
The end