THE NINTH HOLE
by Gary Hogg I'll tell you what happened to a mate of mine Well he was more of a friend of a friend Actually I hardly knew him at all Just he lived two doors down from our Ken's Ken's an uncle least that's what we call him He's not a real uncle, you know He's just a bloke that me Dad used to work with Anyway, it was him that knew this bloke, Joe He was a golfer this bloke, dead keen, all the gear Played a round every day if he could He had a handicap apparently, means nowt to me But to golfers it seems it's quite good He always did well all the way round the course Till he got alongside Haggies Burn It was the ninth hole and it proved a real problem Par three with a bit of a turn With the woods really tight along one side And the river close by on the other No matter how much he lined up his shot He always got into bother It was the same every time he got to the tee His stomach it started to churn Cos he knew no matter how hard he tried He would slice the ball into the burn He would practice his swing any time that he could It was straight as a laser beam But as soon as he got to the tee at the ninth He would whack it straight into the stream He got videos and books, took lessons and that From this bloke that went out with his daughter His confidence was high when he got to the ninth But the ball always went in the water Now his golfing improved he could really play well He'd a swing of great style and panache But when he got to the ninth it all went to pot He'd close his eyes and wait for the splash This phenomenon continued the rest of his life No matter how hard the bloke tried He kept knocking the ball in the river Right up till the day that he died In his will he said he wanted cremating And his ashes scattered on the fairway So his wife complied with his wishes And took the urn to the course the next day She walked round the course and found somewhere nice The ninth fairway just past the turn She said a short prayer and opened the lid Then the ashes blew into the burn.
The end