A SPORTIN' LIFE
by Steve Morris I'm Marlene durin' office 'ours In admin - Bradley's Bricks Crosswords in mi dinner break An' finish spot on six I gets mi mum 'er shoppin' in Sometimes I cooks 'er tea Then I'm 'ome to Foxglove Avenue Just seven cats an me Just seven cats an' me that is 'Til the evenin's mid-way through When I gets a gentleman caller round An' some nights I gets two But, please, don't get the wrong idea Romance aint in mi brief I just do 'personal services' For blokes what need relief It's the blokes what need relief, ya see That 'elps mi pay the rent An' where's the 'arm in cheerin' up Some well 'eeled city gent? Doctors, lawyers, VIP's Mi diary's always packed An' I've got this Chief Inspector chap Who likes 'is bottom smacked Oh 'e likes 'is bottom smacked alright Wi' a rolled-up Sportin' Life Then he'll sit an' show me photographs Of 'is children an' 'is wife She thinks he's down the snooker 'all Wi' a few o' the boys in blue An' she cooks 'is kippers unawares It's me what chalks 'is cue I chalks the cue for quite a few Provides their mid-week treat Forty quid an' strictly cash No refunds, no receipt Oh aye! It seems peculiar But I've learned to love this life Don't fancy marryin' t' sort o' bloke Who'd treat me like a wife. Treat me like a wife, the sod Roll home at well gone nine Wi' a tale of 'ow 'is train broke down Like hell! the yin' swine He's been wi' Little Miss Lingerie Enjoyin' 'is Friday fling While I'm off to bed wi' mi Ovaltine Now that's what marriage'd bring. That's what marriage'd bring, it would As well as the more mundane Matchin' Fair Isle cardigans An' 'olidays spent in Spain Deckchairs on a well trimmed lawn Of a Saturday afternoon Him wi' 'is gardenin' catalogues out An' me wi' a Mills an' Boon. Me wi' a Mills an' Boon? My arse! I'll stick to what I do best Chasin' the vicar around the settee Wi' baby oil rubbed on 'is chest So be careful if ya consider yourself An impeccable mother an' wife It could be your Albert bent over mi knee When I'm armed wi' mi Sportin' Life.
The end