Stan Brown
I were in the Nags Head, with me supping pal Fred,
when, I noticed that summat weren't right.
I thought. "That's bloody queer, what's going on here?"
But just thought it a trick of the light.

So I had a few more, (well I had to be sure).
I didn't want to embarrass the chap.
But the more that I looked, I knew summat were up,
there was summat not right with Fred's hat.

I said, "Now then our Fred, what's up with your head?
I'm not being nosey or nowt.
But, you look a right prat, what's wrong with your hat?
Cos it's twitching, and thrutching about."

"Shurrup," whispered Fred, "He'll hear you," he said.
"Yeah, shut your gob," said the hat.
"Just bugger off home, and leave us alone."
I'll admit, I was taken aback.

I said. "Hey, look at that, a real talking hat!"
Then I had to hold on to me chair.
Cos the strangest of things, when out shot two wings,
and the hat fluttered up in the air.

Now, I've got to confess, I was somewhat impressed,
at a hat, that could talk and take flight.
It flew round the bar, but didn't get very far,
til, finally it perched on the light.

"I warned you," said Fred. "You've upset him," he said,
I said. "Who?" He said. "Him!" I said. "Where?"
He said. "You and your gob, you've caused me some probs,
how do I get him back down from up there?"

"Stand under." I said. "It might land on your head."
He said. "What?" I said. "Head." He said. "Why?
Don't you think I'll look daft?" I said. "It's your bloody hat,
at least you could give it a try."

Fred said. "But I don't want me hat, I don't care about that."
I was gobsmacked at what I'd just heard.
He could see I was puzzled, and started to chuckle,
He said, "I just want to get back me bird."

I said. "Bird?" He said. Bird, but don't say a word,
I'll be in bother," he said. "If you do.
I bought it last week, from light fingered Pete,
ten quid, for a green cockatoo."

I said. "A green cockatoo?" He said. "Aye, from the zoo,
didn't you see it last week on the news?
Headlines in the Chron'. RARE PARROT IS GONE!"
But, by now I was getting confused.

I said. "I'm losing the plot, there's some bits I've not got,
"A rare parrot?" he said. "almost extinct."
I said, "Explain it once more, cos I'm still not too sure,
I've maybe had too much to drink."

"Settle down," muttered Fred, "and listen," he said.
"Rare parrot, nicked last Thursday night.
I bought it off Pete, ten quid so to speak,
and now it's sat up on the light."

"I've got that." I said, "but why on your head?
Cage's are not very dear."
"I've got one," said Fred, "at home in me shed,
I'm just waiting to get the all clear."

I said. "The all clear from who?" He said. "Pete at the zoo!
Aren't you listening?" But me brain had gone numb.
"They're searching," he said, "the cops and the feds,
if they catch us, we're gonna get done."

"So the parrot," said Fred, "must stay on me head,
he were adamant, was Pete about that.
He said, to not say a word, don't mention the bird.
The end