Stan Brown
There's a couple lived down in our street,
Alice and Big Bill MacLand.
She teached the piano at sixpence a go,
'e played th'oompah for t'local works band.

From mornin' till night you could 'ear 'em,
as they went up an' down on the scales.
They 'ad loads o' complaints from the neighbours,
an' even 'ad letters from Wales.

Now we asked 'em right nice like to quieten',
'Bugger off!' Bill sez. 'Leave us alone.
We can do what we want in us own 'ouse,
an' English mans castle's 'is 'ome!'

So we sent for the local const - abu - lary,
an' they sent along PC Plod.
An' probably because 'e was learnin',
'e'd brought along Rover the dog.

Now Rover were due for retirin',
an' 'e weren't any Will o' the whisp.
'E were missin' a leg, - one eye, - an' 'is tail,
an' 'e barked with a sort of a lisp.

When Rover 'eard 'em both playin',
it set 'im off startin' to 'owl.
An' Plod started blowin 'is whistle,
in descant it were, - sort o' style.

'Bloody 'ell!' Shouted Plod, when 'e'd finished,
'They do make one 'ell of a row.
You'll need them decibels countin',
so there's nowt I can do 'ere right now.'

So we went an' got Albert the teacher,
e'd got 'is brains like from Yale.
An' 'e rigged up this earthquake type meter,
an' the bugger went right off the scale.

Well we asked 'em again, right politely,
said the noise were now more than a joke.
'Bugger Off!' Shouted Bill, with 'is fist in the air,
so we did, - well 'e was a big bloke.

It were Light Fingered Ron from th'allotments,
said. 'I'll bring 'em down to their knees.
I'll break into th'ouse an' take th'oompah
an' I'll pinch all the white bloody keys!'

Now, true to 'is word Ron 'ad done it.
an' the Oompah were 'id in the park.
But Alice jus' wouldn't be thwarted,
an' played the piano on t' side like an 'arp!

Then all at once they were flittin',
said they didn't want neighbours like us.
Who stopped 'em from playin' their music,
an' they left with an 'iss, an' a cuss.

Archie MaKay were next tenant,
the vicar from church down the road.
So we all doffed us caps, as you do like,
an' offered to 'elp 'im unload.

'That's awfully nice.' Sez the vicar.
'I'll remember you all in me prayers.
There's 'undred pipes there on the wagon,
can you 'elp bung 'em up through the stairs?'

' 'Undred pipes? - Now what yer want them for?'
We asks 'im polite so t' speak.
'It's for church organ, when they bring me the keyboard,
I practice it six days a week.'
The end