The Food Demonstrator
by
Stanley Holloway
One day at a food demonstration, 
To which I shall later alude,
Mrs. Cutterbuck, to her amazement, 
Found out there were three kinds of food.

The first you must eat to keep healthy, 
In mind or in body or in both,
The second gives energy value... 
And the third is conducive to growth.

When she mentioned the matter at supper, 
Mr. Cutterbuck gave her a snub,
He said, 'Just you stick to plain cookin',
And don't muck about with the grub!'

'But what about food demonstration?' 
'I know nowt about it.' said 'e.
And if you must trifle with stomachs, 
Try it out on young Basil... Not me!'

'E don't need no food to keep 'ealthy 
An' 'e's quite energetic enough,
'E's just broke another five windows, 
If we feed 'im on that 'e'll get rough!'

'Nay, I don't agree with those first two, 
You'd better try missin' out both
Just feed little Basil on third one, 
The food that's conducive to growth.'

From hence forward into young Basil, 
This specialized nutrient went,
And the Cutterbucks got quite excited 
At their wonderful ex-periment.

As they gazed at 'im, 'alf fascinated, 
It seemed that 'is progress was slow,
Like 'e might be tomato in green'ouse, 
That's gawped at but don't seem to grow.

When all of a sudden, one evening, 
When 'is parents were quite in despair,
They pretty well died of amazement, 
When 'e suddenly crashed through 'is chair.

They found, on attempting to lift 'im,
That 'e'd put on five stone, not much less,
'By gum!' Mrs Cutterbuck shouted,
'The Experiment's met with success!' 

Next day 'e'd grown out of 'is trousers,
And 'is shirt wouldn't meet round 'is neck.
'Is jacket 'ad split down both arm'oles,
In a fortnight the 'ouse was a wreck.

'E broke every chair that 'e sat on,
'E bust ev'ry lamp with 'is 'ead. 
An' 'is feet stuck out thirty nine inches,
At night when tucked up in 'is bed.

'Is parents were filled with emotion,
The neighbours were loud in their praise.
They'd made little Basil a giant,
In just one month, seventeen days.

And as 'e was unfit to live with,
On account that the 'ouse was too small,
'E was 'ired, for three pound, to a circus,
To the great satisfaction of all.

When peace was restored to the 'ouse'old,
Mr. Cutterbuck grimly observed,
'While we've come out of that very lightly,
P'raps lighter than what we deserve!

When we're told to eat three kinds of foodstuffs,
In future I'll give you my oath,
We won't muck about and eat only, 
The food that's conducive to growth.

What they told you at food demonstration,
Were proved to be true as can be,
And if anyone says t'contrary,
Let 'im go to the circus and see!' 
The end