Sam's Fortune
by
Stanley Holloway
Austin
Written as a commercial for the
Austin Motor Company, Longbridge, Birmingham.
It happened one evening in Wigan 
at a certain men's club I could name 
We were some of us standing round talking 
And some of us playing a game 

When all of a sudden Fred Higgins 
Came hurrying into the place 
And something unusual had happened 
We saw from the look on his face.

'I've just heard the news,' gasped Fred Higgins 
Knocking back the first drink that he found
'Sam's uncle has left him a fortune 
One hundred and fifty odd pounds!' 

Then in through that door at that moment 
There stepped the spoilt darling of fate 
Walked the hero himself of our story
Sam, the heir to his uncle's estate. 

And just as though nothing had happened 
Sam walks up as cool as can be 
'Good evening,' he says to young Lily, 
'I'll have a good strong cuppa tea.' 

'Ee lad!' returned Lily in fun like, 
'You never came up here on tram?..., 
You've got money to ride in a taxi.' 
'Nay, I'm going to invest it!' says Sam. 

Before Sam has finished his stirring, 
Mr. Murgatroyd draws him aside 
'I've a small proposition,' he whispers, 
'A greyhound, her names Blushing Bride, 

A fellow I know... knows a fella 
Whose brothers a pal of two chaps 
Who reckons her owner would sell her 
For a hundred and fifty perhaps. 

Imagine you owning a greyhound 
And cutting an elegant dash 
Champagne and cigars for the asking 
While your greyhound is earning you cash. 

You can't help but make a big fortune 
Though you don't know a dog from a lamb!' 
Replacing his cup in his saucer 
'I'm going to invest it!' says Sam 

Not half an hour later Fred Higgins 
Comes up as Sam looks down his cue 
'Ee Sam, I've just had a brainwave, 
I'm passing it straight on to you!

The way to big money is pictures 
Imagine the studio life 
You sit in a chair by the camera 
And send messages home to your wife. 

'Don't wait up for me' you inform 'er 
'I'm working till late on the floor 
I may not get home 'til tomorrow 
If the picture's not finished before.' 

And when a young man plays a love scene 
You show him just what should be done 
And pick pretty girls for the crowd scenes, 
Having taken good look at each one. 

So you know where you are while its rolling 
I tell you it's money for jam!' 
But Sam shook his head as he went in off the red 
'I'm going to invest it!' said Sam, 

Old Briggs was the next to approach him 
He went up to Sam playing darts 
'Have you ever' said Joe, 'thought of cruising 
Around the south seas and them parts? 

You sit on the deck in your yacht cap 
While waiters fly round with a whizz 
And Lady Fitznoodle comes by with her poodle 
And says, 'What a fine day it is.' 

She tells you about her rheumatics 
You tell of yours once or twice 
And the duke he comes out with a tale of his gout 
And it's all very homely and nice,

Aye, all things considered I think you should travel 
to Southport, Southend or Siam...' 
As he finished his score with a neat double four 
'Nay, I'm going to invest it!' says Sam 

Then Lily chipped in with a notion, 
'Take a tip, Sam from one of the girls 
Opportunity this is to dress up the missus 
And buy her a small string of pearls 

Or get something cheaper a new carpet sweeper, 
A piano or radiogram.' 
'Nay Lily' says he, as he paid for his tea, 
'I'm going to invest it.' says Sam. 

Now just at that moment a stranger 
Came hurrying into the hall 
He looks round on the assemble 
'Which gent...' he enquired, 'is Sam Small?' 

'I am' answered Sam 'have you got it?' 
'Rather' said the stranger 'don't fear
When I called at the house your good lady 
Requested I bring her up here.' 

'Outside?' queried Sam and we followed 
He hurried out into the street 
Leaving Murgatroyd, Sterling and Higgins 
In amazement, profound and complete 

That hundred and fifty you told us 
'I'm going to invest it I am.' 
'So I am!...' he replied 'in an Austin 
And I'm proud of me judgement.' says Sam 

'Goes faster than yon blushing greyhound 
Looks better than filmstars on set 
And as for the pleasure of travel... 
It's equal I've not seen as yet.

'Twas one of them Austin big sevens 
That do sixty on top and no buts 
Developing 25 horse power 
Not only got looks but got guts 

It does forty miles to the gallon 
Got plenty of room and good lines 
If they gong us between here and Blackpool...' 
Says Sam, 'I've got ten bob left over for fines.' 
The end