by Stanley Holloway Austin Written as a commercial for the
Austin Motor Company, Longbridge, Birmingham.
It happened one evening in Wigan at a certain men's club I could name We were some of us standing round talking And some of us playing a game When all of a sudden Fred Higgins Came hurrying into the place And something unusual had happened We saw from the look on his face. 'I've just heard the news,' gasped Fred Higgins Knocking back the first drink that he found 'Sam's uncle has left him a fortune One hundred and fifty odd pounds!' Then in through that door at that moment There stepped the spoilt darling of fate Walked the hero himself of our story Sam, the heir to his uncle's estate. And just as though nothing had happened Sam walks up as cool as can be 'Good evening,' he says to young Lily, 'I'll have a good strong cuppa tea.' 'Ee lad!' returned Lily in fun like, 'You never came up here on tram?..., You've got money to ride in a taxi.' 'Nay, I'm going to invest it!' says Sam. Before Sam has finished his stirring, Mr. Murgatroyd draws him aside 'I've a small proposition,' he whispers, 'A greyhound, her names Blushing Bride, A fellow I know... knows a fella Whose brothers a pal of two chaps Who reckons her owner would sell her For a hundred and fifty perhaps. Imagine you owning a greyhound And cutting an elegant dash Champagne and cigars for the asking While your greyhound is earning you cash. You can't help but make a big fortune Though you don't know a dog from a lamb!' Replacing his cup in his saucer 'I'm going to invest it!' says Sam Not half an hour later Fred Higgins Comes up as Sam looks down his cue 'Ee Sam, I've just had a brainwave, I'm passing it straight on to you! The way to big money is pictures Imagine the studio life You sit in a chair by the camera And send messages home to your wife. 'Don't wait up for me' you inform 'er 'I'm working till late on the floor I may not get home 'til tomorrow If the picture's not finished before.' And when a young man plays a love scene You show him just what should be done And pick pretty girls for the crowd scenes, Having taken good look at each one. So you know where you are while its rolling I tell you it's money for jam!' But Sam shook his head as he went in off the red 'I'm going to invest it!' said Sam, Old Briggs was the next to approach him He went up to Sam playing darts 'Have you ever' said Joe, 'thought of cruising Around the south seas and them parts? You sit on the deck in your yacht cap While waiters fly round with a whizz And Lady Fitznoodle comes by with her poodle And says, 'What a fine day it is.' She tells you about her rheumatics You tell of yours once or twice And the duke he comes out with a tale of his gout And it's all very homely and nice, Aye, all things considered I think you should travel to Southport, Southend or Siam...' As he finished his score with a neat double four 'Nay, I'm going to invest it!' says Sam Then Lily chipped in with a notion, 'Take a tip, Sam from one of the girls Opportunity this is to dress up the missus And buy her a small string of pearls Or get something cheaper a new carpet sweeper, A piano or radiogram.' 'Nay Lily' says he, as he paid for his tea, 'I'm going to invest it.' says Sam. Now just at that moment a stranger Came hurrying into the hall He looks round on the assemble 'Which gent...' he enquired, 'is Sam Small?' 'I am' answered Sam 'have you got it?' 'Rather' said the stranger 'don't fear When I called at the house your good lady Requested I bring her up here.' 'Outside?' queried Sam and we followed He hurried out into the street Leaving Murgatroyd, Sterling and Higgins In amazement, profound and complete That hundred and fifty you told us 'I'm going to invest it I am.' 'So I am!...' he replied 'in an Austin And I'm proud of me judgement.' says Sam 'Goes faster than yon blushing greyhound Looks better than filmstars on set And as for the pleasure of travel... It's equal I've not seen as yet. 'Twas one of them Austin big sevens That do sixty on top and no buts Developing 25 horse power Not only got looks but got guts It does forty miles to the gallon Got plenty of room and good lines If they gong us between here and Blackpool...' Says Sam, 'I've got ten bob left over for fines.'
The end