written by Charles J. Winter (1910) Some chaps get the fat and some chaps get the lean, When they start on their journey thro' life. Some makes pots of money by being M.P.s And some gets it by taking a wife. Some learns a good trade such as Dustman or Sweep Which the same I'd have done if I'd knowed But the special profession I've drifted to now Is 'Minding a 'ole in the road'. As a rule it's a nice quiet comfortable job... But there's times when I've hated the work For instance I once had to go Christmas Day On a job which I'd tried hard to shirk. I minded that 'ole, sir, the whole blessed day, Till my dinner and teatime had gone, And my Christmas dinner (if any was left) I should have when relieved later on. At home we'd some friends and we'd got a big goose, And I'd ordered a half ton of coal, Yet here was I sitting at seven P. hem A-shivering in front 0' my 'ole. And I thought of them all making merry at home, Stuffed with goose from their heads to their toes, They'd just about leave me a cut off the beak, Or the end of the Parson's nose. And I sat quite despondent and dozed half asleep, I was feeling quite humpy and sore, When from one of the big houses just on my right A swell flunkey stepped out through the door. He came straight to me and he said with a bow, Which made his gold lace gleam and shine, 'The Countess's compliments as you're alone She'll be pleased if you'll step in and dine.' Well I very near dropped to the ground with surprise, For it wasn't a safe thing to do. What if thieves came and pinched a great heap of them stones, Or 'opped off with a drain-pipe or two? Then I thought of the Countess's kindness of 'eart How she'd thought of me lonely outside, So I scraped the clay off my boots with a spade And I follered the flunkey inside. And there sat the Countess all merry and bright With diamonds and jewels all a-glow, In a silk dress which must have cost nigh twenty pound, Though there wasn't much of it you know. Her husband the Viscount was there at her side, While the waiters flew round with a whizz, And in half a jiff I was seated with them A-eating and shifting the fizz. The Viscount he drank to my jolly good health As he took from his wine-glass a pull, I only just nodded - I couldn't say much For my mouth, like my heart, was too full. When we'd finished, us gents all puts on a cigar, And the perfume was simply sublime, By the bands that was on 'em, why I'll guarantee They must have cost fourpence a time. Then the ladies they starts playing 'Kiss-in-the-ring' And the Countess enjoyed the game too, When she gets in the ring she just turns straight to me And she says, 'Mr. Nobbs, I'll have you.' Oh, I didn't now which was my 'ead or my 'eels, It was like being in Fai-ry-land, But I threw down my smoke and I wiped my moustache, Just like this... with the back of my 'and. She put up her lips looking saucy and sweet, And I blushed as towards her I stole, I bent forward and then I woke up just in time. Or I might have fell clean down the 'ole.
The end