An' I've guzzled eight pints by a quarter-past-nine
An' I'm feel in' decidedly queer
The room starts spinnin' round clockwise
So I dart round the bar fer a pee
An' mi mates drag mi out an' they put me to bed
An' I sleep until Saturday tea
By Saturday night I've grown wiser
No more o' that boozin', no fear
I'm in need of a woman fer frolics an' fun
An' I've spotted one down on the pier
She's big, an' she's bonny an' busty
A short frock an' a Kiss Me Quick 'at
So I buy 'er a big bag o' chips an' fish bits
An' she takes me back 'ome to 'er flat
I tell 'er she'll 'ave to go gentle
On account I'm a sensitive lad
So we sit on the couch an' she spins me a yarn
On the 'undreds o' lovers she's 'ad
She teaches me all about foreplay
Them erogenous zones I can rub
An' she's got me stripped off to mi vest an' mi socks
When 'er 'usband comes in from the pub
He's brought 'ome 'is mates fer some supper
They're hard lookin' buggers an' all
So I'm out o' the 'ouse like a rat up a pipe
An' I'm 'idin' behind t' petty wall
In less than a minute they've found me
  Reduced to a blubberin' wreck
An' they drag me on t' beach an' they dig a big 'ole
An' they bury me up to mi neck
Ten o'clock, Tuesday they find me
Washed up under t' Great Western Pier
I'm wearin' sod all but mi luminous socks
An' a donkey's stood nibblin' mi ear
I gives 'em mi statement at t' cop shop
It's all sorted in ten minutes flat
Then a bloke who's in some sort o' media job
Takes mi picture an' 'as a long chat
Mi dad's none too cheery next mornin'
When I rolls 'ome in Mr Plod's car
Cos the neighbours've started to gossip an' laugh
An' I'm on the front page o' the Star
'AIN'T LIFE A BEACH' runs the 'eadline
Then tells all the world the sad fact:
I'll never forget that encounter
An' I think the same's true fer mi dad
Cos the Bishop called round later on in the week
An' he seemed just a teeny bit mad
He posted th' owd chap to the Orkneys
Where we've been now for nearly six year
An' if I couldn't lose mi cherry on a weekend wi' Frank
Well, I've no bloody chance livin' 'ere
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