Oh 'e likes 'is bottom smacked alright
Wi' a rolled-up Sportin' Life
Then he'll sit an' show me photographs
Of 'is children an' 'is wife
She thinks he's down the snooker 'all
Wi' a few o' the boys in blue
An' she cooks 'is kippers unawares
It's me what chalks 'is cue

I chalks the cue for quite a few
Provides their mid-week treat
Forty quid an' strictly cash
No refunds, no receipt
Oh aye! It seems peculiar
But I've learned to love this life
Don't fancy marryin' t' sort o' bloke
Who'd treat me like a wife.

Treat me like a wife, the sod
Roll home at well gone nine
Wi' a tale of 'ow 'is train broke down
Like hell! the yin' swine
He's been wi' Little Miss Lingerie
Enjoyin' 'is Friday fling
While I'm off to bed wi' mi Ovaltine
Now that's what marriage'd bring.
  That's what marriage'd bring, it would
As well as the more mundane
Matchin' Fair Isle cardigans
An' 'olidays spent in Spain
Deckchairs on a well trimmed lawn
Of a Saturday afternoon
Him wi' 'is gardenin' catalogues out
An' me wi' a Mills an' Boon.

Me wi' a Mills an' Boon? My arse!
I'll stick to what I do best
Chasin' the vicar around the settee
Wi' baby oil rubbed on 'is chest
So be careful if ya consider yourself
An impeccable mother an' wife
It could be your Albert bent over mi knee
When I'm armed wi' mi Sportin' Life.

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