Steve Morris
I once had a mate called Barry Mulcrow
Who bought 'imself an owd van
An 'undred thousand miler job
That he got from 'Honest Stan'
It'd been in use at an abbatoir
Since nineteen-eighty-two
But Barry said wi' a lick o' paint
It'd soon be just like new.

When Baz got crackin' on doin' it up
He didn't know when to stop
He 'ad it sprayed metallic green
An' he fitted a vinyl top
Rally tyres an' tinted glass
It all looked very nice
Then he finished it off wi' a noddin' dog
An' a set o' them furry dice.

Well, Barry decided a van's not cool
Until it's got some sounds
So he took a job at Burger King
'Til he'd saved up seventy pounds
Then he went an' bought a radio
Wi' a speaker set that matched
An' a nine foot yellow aerial
To the winq he 'ad attached.

Baz was like a twin tailed dog
When he tuned 'is wireless in
His woofers an' his tweeters, well
They didn't 'alf make some din
He whizzed straight past The JY Prog
The Proms an' Woman's 'our
An' he set 'is dial to Rock FM
Where he whacked it up full power.

So, it's ten to twelve on a Friday night
An' Barry's been out cruisin'
Billy Bent meanwhile is leavin' t' Black Dog
Where he's done some serious boozin'
After six pints o' Burton an' a couple o' shorts
He just don't give a toss
An' both he and Baz are unaware
That their paths are set to cross

It's just after midnight, Bill's on his way home
An' he's walkin' wi' a bit of a sway
He crosses the road to get puddin' and chips
Not bothered to look either way
Baz 'its 'is brakes an' he swerves to the right
An' he stops wi' a mere inch o' grace
But th' aerial follows through in an arc
An' it lashes owd Bill 'cross his face

Bill 'its the deck like a sack full o' spuds
An' he lies stock still on the ground
Within a few seconds the folk from the chippy
Come out an' they all gather round
Then it's ambulance, police car, 'blow into this'
An' statements an' 'Stand over there!'
Next thing he knows Barry's down at the nick
While Billy's in intensive care.

Saturday mornin' it's cowd an' it's wet
An' Barry's back out on the street
He don't feel too good when he thinks about Bill
An' what 'appened the previous neet
But 'is conscience'll ease if he does the right thing
Makes an effort to put matters straight
So he stocks up wi' grapes an' a large Lucozade
An' sets off for ward number eight.

Just as he arrives he spots a young nurse
An' he asks about Billy's condition
She doesn't say owt except 'Please, take a seat,
Someone will explain the position.'
As Barry waits he rehearses the words
That he'll use when the chance comes to speak
Then into the room bursts a junior doc
Been on duty since Wednesday last week.

'Can I see Mr Bent, he were brought in last night?'
But the medic stands shakin' his 'ead
'You're a little too late for that my old friend
I'm sorry to tell you he's dead.'
'How come?' splutters Barry in sheer disbelief
His face now awash wi' his tears
'Van aerial disease' comes the doctor's reply
'The worst case we've had here in years.'
The end