Steve Morris
If yer goin' up town fer some drinkin'
There's a wine-bar I can't recommend
It's the one over t' top
0' that 'magazine' shop
The small one, set back on the bend

It were there I first met wi' Belinda
She flashed me that smile an' a wink
An' before I could speak
She'd kissed me on t' cheek
An' suggested I buy 'er a drink

Now Belinda's a bit of a stunner
She can pull any punter in sight
An' right there in 'The Parrot'
She dangled 'er carrot
An' I followed it into the night

We found we'd got music in common
She mentioned Vivaldi an' Strauss
When she said she liked Liszt
Oh, I couldn't resist
We taxied it back to our 'ouse

We drank coffee an' listened to Mahler
Sipped brandy and talked about Boyce
An' as daft as it seems
I'd met t' girl o' mi dreams
I sat spellbound by t' sound of 'er voice

I were fallin' in love I could feel it
It 'appens and no-one's to blame
So I just couldn't quit
When she stripped off 'er kit
An' suggested that I do the same

Well, we did it in sixteen positions
Ran through 'em again just fer luck
Hot lips, sweaty palms
We were bonkin' to Brahms
An' we never, not once, come unstuck

She tuned up mi strings to perfection
An' she fingered mi woodwind a treat
I went into a swoon
As she blew mi bassoon
In time with the Nutcracker Suite

It were abso-bloody-lutely fantastic
She amazed me wi' all that she did
Then as I took mi first drag
On mi post-coital fag
She stung me fer eighty-five quid

'You've 'ad the executive treatment'
She says wi' a smile ear to ear
'An' fer sex o' that kind
You'll probably find
That eighty-five quid isn't dear'

I were caught off mi guard I can tell ya
I've never coped well under stress
An' though it seemed drastic
I just give 'er mi plastic
An' charged it to American Express

She left me stark naked on t' sideboard
She blew me a kiss as she went
An' she dropped me a flyer
Next time I could try 'er
Wi' a discount o' fifteen percent

I were down in 'The Parrot' last Thursday
Though wine bars are no longer my style
I took note o' Belinda
She were sat by the winda
Flashin' Father O'Donnel that smile

A lesson? Well, I haven't been lookin'
Still, I found one, I 'ave to agree:
There'll be room in these parts
Fer crap wine bars an' tarts
Just as long as there's gobshites like me!
The end