Tall Tales
Edward Kent

'Have I ever won a race?' sir,
What a thing to ask! My stars!
D'yer mean to say you've never heard, sir,
How I won 'The Copper Vase'?
Let me tell you ( have a fag, sir,
Oh, no thank, you!... dear oh lor!
Through your last, I've got a pain, sir!
I'd much sooner chew this straw! )...
Well... to start at the beginning...
I rode Puddin' Face, that day,
And the course was simply packed, sir,
When I got her under way!
I wore Mr. Beerey's colours...
Which are seldom known to fail!
Stripes, like streaks of sparkling Bass, sir.
On a background like six ale.
We were off!... no one before us !
I was nervous so they say,
Anyways the folks, they tell me...
I slapped Puddin's Face that day,
How I got my horse in front, sir's
Too exciting, so to speak,
So let us try and both keep calm, sir,
As one's hearts are often weak.
Well... she took the bend like glory,
Not another horse in sight,
As she rounded it quite calmly...
How my heart filled with delight!'
On, good girl,' I cried 'now, easy!'
How she took the half-mile curves!
Passed the bushes... passed the Grand Stand,
Passed Lord Rottenpot's preserves!
Still not another horse had passed us,
All my qualms of failure fled,
For I could see the winning post, sir,
So I gave the Face her head,
Another fifty yards to go, sir,
But she was safe, I didn't care,
Though it was the two-mile course, sir,
Yet she'd never turned a hair!
And I brought her past the post, sir,
Though the crowd gave no hurrahs,
Still I'd got my horse in first, sir
And I'd won the 'The Copper Vase'!

'What was second?'... there wasn't no second,
So you see, sir, that I was on clover,
All the other 'gee-gees' had been scratched, sir,
'Twas simply what's called a 'walk over'!
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