FIFTY (NOT OUT)
by Chris Mangham I'm 50 (not out), the years have rolled by That's half a century, all told But inside the casing I feel just the same I'm really not feeling that old Not wanting to appear to be morbid But before I end up in a hearse I've observed a few things about ageing And put these thoughts down into verse Now, as the years pass, your hearing adjusts Affecting what sounds you can hear Instructions from t'wife are definitely screened out Selective male deafness, I fear And about the same time your eyes sort of change Your retina loses the plot Which leads to confusion for wearers of specs As to whether to wear them, or not? You might need them on to see further away You might need them off when its shorter But then there's a distance somewhere in between Where either I oughtn't or ought to The modern optometrist will try to persuade Varifocals will cure it for sure For some folk the outlook is sharp, crisp and clear For others it's just a big blur But its 200 quid as a minimum For a designer pair that suits Or you could try a pair of cheap readers They're only three fifty at Boots I've still got me teeth, attached by me gums As natural as natures intent I'm hoping it might be a few more years yet when I'm stuck with Steradent A scale and a polish and 6 monthly check Keep 'em fresh, mind, but that's getting dear In t'future we might 'ave to take out a loan To afford a job lot of veneers Of course if the cost of implants and veneers Just leaves you looking frightened The lower cost option is maybe for you Just your visible front noshers whitened 50's the age when you might start receding Or your hair might be thinning on yer 'ead No sooner have the follicles departed your scalp Then they sprout from your ears instead You start to keep count of all the grey hairs And when as the total hits ten It's off down to Boots at a time when its quiet To purchase some Just For Men At same time your eyebrows decide to engage In a growth spurt that makes you just gape You'll need a few sessions wi' t' tweezers To streamline 'em back into shape Theres hairs now appearing from nostrils Where there previously wasn't a glimmer You can get them removed with the NHS By the way, that's Nasal Hair Strimmer My skins not a soft as it previously was The wife's started buying me creams I don't mind the bit where she rubs them all in To maintain the man of her dreams Its a popular age to develop a paunch A function of beer and the telly But so far so good, I'm not doing too bad I can still see me feet past me belly Now energy levels are not what they were And if th'wife wants a little romance I've now got a simple proforma request That she fills in one week in advance Another wee problem at 50 Your bladder has started to shrink Visitations are now much more frequent But it empties as quick as a wink The downside is sleep deprivation When going three times in the night The trick is to hone your night vision So you dont have to turn on t' big light That way your other half isn't disturbed Sleeping serenely instead Meanwhile you just have to go with the flow And carefully exit the bed Once you've relieved, you creep back to bed Trying to keep the noise down Whatever you do, just don't flush the loo And remember to leave the lid down As physical decline slowly sets in You'd hope mentally, things would get easier Just when you were thinking that things weren't too bad You find you've got mid life amnesia You'll be sent out shopping, instructions quite clear The wife has typed out a full list But when you return you have to explain Where's all of the things that you've missed At 50 you're not quite as agile As when you were still in your teens A forward roll now becomes quite an event And doing the crab in your dreams! A good friend of mine who is older Gave me some real useful tips Get yourself up to Wrightington Not the gym, but for new knees and hips That's as well, but its major upheaval Having your joints all renewed And as well some cocky young surgeon Fiddling while I'm in the nude No, I'll stick with me current arrangement Let wear and tear just take their toll And if it exceeds the pain threshold I'll pop in a Co-codamol Although me body's not doing too bad Now that I'm 50 (not out) Theres other afflictions that might yet appear Like haemorrhoids, hernias or gout So, gracefully ageing, that's a good plan With exercise to keep us all trimmer And if I reach 90 I'll have yer a race The two of us, but I'll have me Zimmer How many years are left on the clock I really would not like to venture But I'm hoping for happiness in our old age For me and the wife and our dentures There are one or two good things about reaching this age I'll now drink real ale and not lager Me insurance premiums will be an all time low And I'll get monthly mailings from Saga Not long to go and I'll get a bus and rail pass I'll be able to use it aplenty Unless the government gets it's own way And moves my retirement to seventy I'm 50 (not out), the years have rolled by That's half a century, all told But inside the casing I feel just the same I'm really not feeling that old With yourselves in the room it's turned back the years It really has been a great pleasure What a grand set of folk you really all are The good times we've had I will treasure So let's have a toast to friendships For all the good folk that we know I think I might need to sit down now Me knees are beginning to go.
The end