ALBERT RAMSBOTTOM GOES TO WORK
Terry D Watkins
Now, you've all heard of young Albert Ramsbottom
Who got eaten in Blackpool I fear
When his stick with it's horses head handle
Got lodged in some poor lion's ear?
Well he survived to have many adventures
That have been told of many a time
Well, I've got another to tell you about
(That's if I can get it to rhyme..)
There's a place by the Trent known as Scunthorpe
Quite renowned as a steel making town
That is 'til them foreigners got same idea
And closed half the steelworks down!
So seeking alternate employment
The Ramsbottoms duly arranged
For Albert, their son,(they had only the one)
To visit the Labour Exchange.
The chap there that interviewed Albert,
Well known thereabout for his wit,
Said 'To work in the making of windows,
Might improve Albert's outlook a bit.'
So at 8 o'clock sharp the next morning,
With his pack-up of jam and cold tea,
Young Albert set off for the factory
To learn about U.P.V.C.
Now a right smart young fella were Albert
In his brand new factory smock,
He had a toolbox with a black and red handle,
The finest the pound shop did stock!
He was right disappointed with the factory,
The machines in there weren't up to much.
No great biguns with huge wheels and belts on,
Just little ones for welding and such.
There was one there that just trimmed the corners
Of the frames that the chaps had just made.
You just shoved in a window,
Pressed down on a switch
And the corners were trimmed with a blade
Said the Foreman to Albert " That's your job lad!
Don't forget you've a quota to fill."
Albert rolled up his sleeves,
Turned his cap back to front,
And set to to work with a will.
But t'lad were too enthusiastic,
Once started he just couldn't stop.
The machine overheated and with a big bang
A huge spring shot out at the top.
Now Albert was good with machinery
(He once mended his bike chain with string.)
He took from his toolbox a hammer
And brought it down hard on the spring
With a 'BOING!' that was heard in Doncaster
The huge spring did quickly uncoil
And grabbing young Albert by t'seat of his pants
It thrust him inside of the hole!
With a grating of gears and a big puff of steam
(That came from somewhere underneath)
The blade chopped at Albert 'til nothing was left
But his cap and the plaque from his teeth.
Now the foreman had seen this occurrence
He thought 'Eee! What a nasty mishap
Then looking all round him craftily like
Tried his damnedest to hide Albert's cap.
But others had seen what had happened
So the foreman thought it would be wise
To go up to the office to t'gaffer
And tell him of Albert's demise
The gaffer sat scowling behind his big wooden desk
Trying to look business like
He saw t'foreman at the door
And said "Ah've told you before-
If your after a rise - On yer bike!"
The foreman told him what had happened.
Ee!..The gaffer was really upset.
He said " Yer telling' me that machine isn't working?
I've not paid for that beggar yet!
You'd better get down there and fix it
There's orders that have to be sent,
No windows and we get no wages,
And I'm ten bob be'ind wi me rent!"
Albert's mum and dad had to be sent for
They came onto the factory floor
Father, he got quite excited,
He'd not seen a workplace before!
The gaffer was quite sympathetic
And the lock on his purse did release.
He said "How much to forget all about it?"
Pa said "How'bout three quid apiece?"
T'gaffer went pale at such a large sum
Had to think of his profits you see.
He said " 'Ow about a fiver between yer?..
'Course, I'll have to deduct V.A.T.!"
But Mother, distraught, wailed "I've got nothing left
Because of this nasty mishap!"
Said Father "Nay lass, don't take on so.
After all, we've still got his cap!"
That's not to say father too wasn't upset,
It was all he could do not to sob..
When he thought it was only the day before that
Albert's new boots had cost him five bob!"
The gaffer said "Well, I have to admit,
At this time, in your grief, it seems wrong,
But with effort, (and sacrifice on Father's part)
Other sons will soon come along!"
At this remark, Mother turned purple,
Her chest with her anger did swell,
"What?..We spend all our lives raising big strapping sons,
To 'elp you CUT CORNERS? .. LIKE 'ELL!"