Andrew Vasey

Albert's time in the gut of the lion
Had left mental scars, so it seems,
For even a year after being coughed up
The lad kept on having bad dreams.

He'd wake up with a terrible fever,
And he'd sob or he'd scream or he'd shout:
"Oh dear, Mr Lion, it is dark in your tum,
So please won't you let me get out!"

Now a child who wakes up with such terrors
Is a heart-rending sight to all mothers,
And, truth to tell, Mrs Ramsbottom
Needed beauty sleep more than most others.

One morning she turned to her husband:
"Take 'im down to the doctor," she said.
"You must get to the root of the problem."
Then she went up and got back in bed.

The doctor examined young Albert,
Made the lad take his clothes off,
Then he prodded and pummelled and poked him,
Held his b******* and told him to cough.

"The lad is a healthy young feller,"
The doctor to father revealed.
"His problems are mental, not physical,
And psychiatry isn't my field."

For Albert he made an appointment
With a top psychoanalyst chap,
So Mother and Father took Albert along
With his boots and his stick and his cap.

The analyst gave his opinion,
That the best thing the family could do
Was accompany him to the "scene of the crime",
So he drove them all off to the zoo.

Then he stood and he watched in the background,
Taking notes with a pencil and pad.
He wanted to see the reaction
That the lion would cause for the lad.

Now, Albert had made an improvement
To the stick that he treasured so much.
He'd put in a telescope action,
To double its length with a touch.

Poor Wallis knew not what had hit him,
As he lay in his somnolent state,
When that stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
Gave him such a great crack on the pate.

And this time he couldn't reach Albert,
Who was careful to stay none too near,
As he dextrously wielded his weapon,
And shoved it up Wallis's ear.

Now Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Held on to each other with glee:
"Hit the b***** again," they both cried to their son -
What a sight for proud parents to see!

When the novelty waned, Pa called to his lad,
"Hey, Albert, to the next cage let's jump!"
"Oh, yes," agreed Ma, "and fetch up your stick -
You can soon give the camels the hump!"

The analyst noted these antics,
His temper becoming inflamed:
"I suppose some would think that such people
Are more to be pitied than blamed."

But he was more of the opinion
They were far more to be blamed than be pitied.
He called for the men in white coats,
And had ALL the Ramsbottoms committed!

Return to
Monologues Home
Music Hall Home
The Forum
Pencil Portraits
Pedro Postcards
Amazon Store