John Slater

It were the morning of Aunt Josie's wedding
To her long suffering partner, Big Syd
When me mum shouted it's time to get ready
So I buggered off up th'ginnel and hid.

Now who wants to go to a wedding
When Flash Gordon was on down at t'Regal
And I'd got money for t'pictures and sweeties
From th'empties I'd returned ter t'Spread Eagle.

So I legged it reet quick down ter t'high street
And went into Snuffie's Sweet Shop reet chuffed
As no sod 'ad seen me on me race down from 'ome
But by bloody hell I felt reet out of puff .

In a second or two I were better
When I got me breath back to summat like
Owd Snuffie said, "Now what dost thar want lad?"
And, "Have you run here or have you come on t'bike?"

I towd Old Snuffie that I'd legged it
And me ma would be looking for me back home
'Cos' Josie and Big Syd were getting married
And I'd bin told to go out but not roam.

He said why don t you go down ter t'canal
Thar knows that place where t'gobbiners go
And there you can laze in the sunshine and showers
And watch canal boats go to and sometimes fro.

It sounded a wheezer, a reet good idea
And armed with my sweeties I ran
Down ter t'cut down past t'lamp I went like a train
I ran the fastest that I can.

On reaching t'canal I lay down on the bank
And gazed at my threepenn'orth of mix
There were sherberts and chocolates and jube jubes and things
And a lolly that said on it, "One thousand licks!"

So I thought I'd get stuck into this lolly
And when I licked it I counted each one
Three hundred and two, three hundred and three...
Oh heck, the sticky thing had near gone!

One thousand licks, the lolly wrapper had said
And I'd get four hundred at t'worst
But licking this thing for all this time
Had given me a hell of a thirst.

Now I looked in t'bag that I'd got from the shop
And bugger me there were nowt for me thirst.
So I went down t'cut for a drink out of that
Thinking all it could give me was the trots at the worst!

So I started drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking
Then I fell into the canal and went straight under.
Next thing I heard me Mum shouting, "Michael get back into bed...
You're asleep with your head in t'guzunder!"

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