AUNT JOSIE'S WEDDING
by John Slater It were the morning of Aunt Josie's wedding To her long suffering partner, Big Syd When me mum shouted it's time to get ready So I buggered off up th'ginnel and hid. Now who wants to go to a wedding When Flash Gordon was on down at t'Regal And I'd got money for t'pictures and sweeties From th'empties I'd returned ter t'Spread Eagle. So I legged it reet quick down ter t'high street And went into Snuffie's Sweet Shop reet chuffed As no sod 'ad seen me on me race down from 'ome But by bloody hell I felt reet out of puff . In a second or two I were better When I got me breath back to summat like Owd Snuffie said, "Now what dost thar want lad?" And, "Have you run here or have you come on t'bike?" I towd Old Snuffie that I'd legged it And me ma would be looking for me back home 'Cos' Josie and Big Syd were getting married And I'd bin told to go out but not roam. He said why don t you go down ter t'canal Thar knows that place where t'gobbiners go And there you can laze in the sunshine and showers And watch canal boats go to and sometimes fro. It sounded a wheezer, a reet good idea And armed with my sweeties I ran Down ter t'cut down past t'lamp I went like a train I ran the fastest that I can. On reaching t'canal I lay down on the bank And gazed at my threepenn'orth of mix There were sherberts and chocolates and jube jubes and things And a lolly that said on it, "One thousand licks!" So I thought I'd get stuck into this lolly And when I licked it I counted each one Three hundred and two, three hundred and three... Oh heck, the sticky thing had near gone! One thousand licks, the lolly wrapper had said And I'd get four hundred at t'worst But licking this thing for all this time Had given me a hell of a thirst. Now I looked in t'bag that I'd got from the shop And bugger me there were nowt for me thirst. So I went down t'cut for a drink out of that Thinking all it could give me was the trots at the worst! So I started drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking Then I fell into the canal and went straight under. Next thing I heard me Mum shouting, "Michael get back into bed... You're asleep with your head in t'guzunder!"
The end