THE BIT OF ROUGH
by
Andrew Vasey

Selina thought the country set were getting rather twee;
The Right Hon. this and Right Hon. that just filled her with ennui,
And though pure stock such as hers was what they all were needing
(Their chinless looks and braying laughs, results of interbreeding)
She felt, of Hooray Henrys she had really had enough:
She thought she'd change things for a while, and find a "bit of rough".
Not for her a boyfriend from Oxbridge, out of Eton;
She got a map and took a pin - it landed on Cleckheaton.
She placed an ad.: the lonely hearts page of the Yorkshire Post,
Saying, "Blonde haired southern beauty likes Cleckheaten men the most."
Then drove "oop north" with beating heart, on getting this reply:
"Cleckheaton feller wanted? - well then, I'm yer guy!"
They met outside the Town Hall, where she wore a sprig of tansy,
(He'd refused to wear a flower - "What d'you think I am, a pansy?")
He picked her out unerringly, because of her blonde hair,
And also since she was the only other person there.
"I s'pose you must be hungry after coming all this way -
There's a chippie just across the road," she heard the fellow say.
She bought them both some cod and chips; he ate his in a hurry,
Then sent her back inside to fetch a tray of bits and curry.
She asked if she could see the sights of interest in the town.
He scratched his head..."There isn't none," he told her with a frown.
So to a local hostelry they both went for a drink,
Where watching as he downed twelve pints might put her off, you'd think,
But Selina was of sterner stuff, she led him from the bar:
"I suppose it must be your place, as mine is much too far."
He took her to his squalid flat and chivalrously said,
"Get yer bloody kit off, and get in that bloody bed."
Selina did as she was told, no shrinking violet, she,
But all he did was fall asleep upon his old settee.
She got her kit back on again and went off in her car
To book in at a hotel place that wasn't very far,
Then, early the next morning, looking anything but tense,
Went out and blew the whole amount of her inheritance.
Now Selina is a millionaire, in Cleckheaton you should see her,
In "Selina's Pub and Chippie", selling fish and chips and beer.
And for disappointed suitors, life is really rather tough,
For she neither needs a Right Hon. chap, nor yet a "bit of rough"!