THE BIT OF ROUGH
by 
Andrew Vasey


Selina thought the country set 
were getting rather twee;
The Right Hon. this and Right Hon. that 
just filled her with ennui,
And though pure stock such as hers 
was what they all were needing
(Their chinless looks and braying laughs, 
results of interbreeding)
She felt, of Hooray Henrys 
she had really had enough:
She thought she'd change things for a while, 
and find a "bit of rough".
Not for her a boyfriend 
from Oxbridge, out of Eton;
She got a map and took a pin - 
it landed on Cleckheaton.
She placed an ad.: the lonely hearts page 
of the Yorkshire Post,
Saying, "Blonde haired southern beauty 
likes Cleckheaten men the most."
Then drove "oop north" with beating heart, 
on getting this reply:
"Cleckheaton feller wanted? - 
well then, I'm yer guy!"
They met outside the Town Hall, 
where she wore a sprig of tansy,
(He'd refused to wear a flower - 
"What d'you think I am, a pansy?")
He picked her out unerringly, 
because of her blonde hair,
And also since she was the only 
other person there.
"I s'pose you must be hungry 
after coming all this way -
There's a chippie just across the road," 
she heard the fellow say.
She bought them both some cod and chips; 
he ate his in a hurry,
Then sent her back inside to fetch 
a tray of bits and curry.
She asked if she could see the sights 
of interest in the town.
He scratched his head..."There isn't none," 
he told her with a frown.
So to a local hostelry 
they both went for a drink,
Where watching as he downed twelve pints 
might put her off, you'd think,
But Selina was of sterner stuff, 
she led him from the bar:
"I suppose it must be your place, 
as mine is much too far."
He took her to his squalid flat 
and chivalrously said,
"Get yer bloody kit off, 
and get in that bloody bed."
Selina did as she was told, 
no shrinking violet, she,
But all he did was fall asleep 
upon his old settee.
She got her kit back on again 
and went off in her car
To book in at a hotel place 
that wasn't very far,
Then, early the next morning, 
looking anything but tense,
Went out and blew the whole amount 
of her inheritance.
Now Selina is a millionaire, 
in Cleckheaton you should see her,
In "Selina's Pub and Chippie", 
selling fish and chips and beer.
And for disappointed suitors, 
life is really rather tough,
For she neither needs a Right Hon. chap, 
nor yet a "bit of rough"!