I must have been round t'corner
When God handed out the boobs
'Cause I've never had a lot on top
Though I always ate good food.
But my bust were non-existant,
I stuffed my bra with cotton wool,
I tried to walk with me chest stuck out
'Til it gave my back a pull.
Then one day I saw this advert,
For a genuine bust enlarger
I knew I had to have one
And didn't care how much they charged yer.
I scrimped and saved for ages
To buy this wonderful machine
And I fantasized, all day at work
I was in a constant dream.
'Til finally I'd saved enough
For my miracle apparatus
Though I couldn't afford to mend my shoes
Least my bust would be outragous.
When I went this posh assistant sez,
"Yes dear, can I help?"
But I were struck dumb with embarassment,
So just pointed to the top shelf.
Well, she looked at shelf and then down at me
And with a voice that echoed round
"A bust enlarger, Madam?...
There you are, that's just three pound!"
Well, I wanted floor to open up
And swallow me there and then
But I paid three quid and scarpered
Past all the gaping men.
Back home I rushed to t'bathroom
My new toy to then plug in
My mind were fixed on 'C' cup bras
And cleavages and things.
I spent that long in t'bathroom
My Dad wondered what was up
But I'd sworn my Mam to secrecy
So, she kept her mouth tight shut!
The hours I spent gyrating
With this thing strapped to my chest
But I persevered believing
With big boobs I'd be blessed.
Everyday I took my measurements
But they were always thirty two
'Til one day in desperation
I chucked the bloody thing down the loo.
Aye, I threw away that daft machine
Because it didn't fulfill my needs
'Though it didn't do my bust much good
I'd the biggest nipples in Leeds!!!