Jack Doughty (1995)
When Philip and t'Queen called their firstborn
"Prince Charles", 'twere an omen, d'ye see;
Though they 'adn't no way of foretellin'
What a Charlie e'd turn out to be.
When young, 'e were awkward wi' ladies.
'E couldn't be merry and bright,
Till 'e 'it upon one called Camilla,
'Oo 'e thought were a bit of all right.
Some time later, 'e nipped off and left 'er,
Thinkin' they'd be eternal twin souls,
But when 'e came back, she were married.
She were now Mrs. C. Parker-Bowles.
Charles retired to a life of seclusion,
Thinking lonely forever 'e'd be,
Till 'is ma said, "Snap out of it, Charlie!
There's plenty more fish in the sea!"
So 'e went out and looked all around 'im,
And gave lots o' lasses the eye.
Then 'e found one 'e thought were a smasher.
'Twere a lovely young lady called Di.
The Queen were reet glad when she 'eard it,
And gave 'er consent then and there,
Sayin' "Don't wait too long for a family!
We'll be needin' an heir... and a spare!"
Then came the great day of their wedding.
The people went crazy wi' glee.
They thought 'twere a fairytale marriage -
But it weren't, as we'll very soon see.
When they went overseas on their visits,
Princess Di were a media hit,
But nobody bothered with Charlie,
And 'e didn't like that... not one bit!
They did as the Queen 'ad advised them,
And the heir and the spare were soon there.
One were Willie, and t'other were 'Arry,
So at that point, things looked pretty fair.
But 'e still 'ankered after Camilla,
And got 'er to see things 'is way;
Which Di soon found out from the papers,
'Cos you can't keep a secret today.
Then Di got quite ratty with Charlie,
And told 'im some things, very loud,
Like "There's not enough room in this marriage!
Two's company, three is a crowd!"
The Queen, with 'er ma-in-law 'at on,
Spoke up in defence of 'er son,
Sayin' "Di, just you lay off our Charlie!
'Tis nobbut a wee bit o' fun!"
But Di found the 'ole thing was sick'ning.
You can take that quite lit'rally too,
For such things can affect the digestion,
And what's more, they frequently do.
Di turned to 'er friend Major Hewitt,
Which wasn't a smart move at all,
For the next thing she knew, Hewitt blew it
To the press, gory details an' all.
The Queen thought that this was disgusting,
And said to poor Di, to 'er face,
"Such things are a' reet for our Charlie,
But for you, they're a ruddy disgrace!"
Then Di, feeling utterly livid
With Charlie, and Hewitt, and Queen,
Booked a slot on the next "Panorama",
To tell the 'ole thing on the screen.
She told of Camilla, and Hewitt,
She told just about everything,
Includin' a few digs at Charlie,
Saying 'ow 'e weren't fit to be King.
Queen then wrote to both Charles and Diana,
Saying marriage 'ad run its full course.
If they couldn't stop squabbling in public,
They'd jolly well got to divorce.
"Yes, Mummy, I'll do it", said Charlie,
But Di, up to now, 'as said nowt,
And it's thought that there'll be quite a battle,
Before the 'ole thing's sorted out.
'Tis sad to think on to the future,
When Queen Liz, like Queen Anne, will be dead,
But I reckon they oughter skip Charlie,
And give us King Willie instead!