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THE COLOSSEUM LIONS
by
Stephen Ogier

It were in the age of Nero,
That Roman Emperor chap,
That the Roman Colosseum
Got into quite a flap.
They'd imported lots of lions, you see,
And put 'em in a cage
Which quite annoyed the lions
Till they began to rage.
In fact, they got so angry
They ate the lion keeper;
They even ate 'is mobile phone
And 'is text message beeper.

When Nero 'eard what 'ad 'appened
'E said, "This just won't do.
Lions can't go eating keepers,
Not even in a zoo".
So 'e called up 'is advisers
And 'e said they 'ad to meet
To discuss the knotty problem
Of what lions 'ad to eat.
On openin' the meetin'
Nero retold the tale
Of 'ow the lions ate the keeper
'Cause they thought they were in jail.

And 'e said the lions were 'ungry
And needed a big meal,
Which under other circumstance
Were much 'ow 'e would feel.
So they thought and thought for ages
Till one bloke gave a shout
And said, "Well, we've got lots of Christians
Wot ain't much good for nowt".
And then 'e added wryly
That they could make it a sport
By only letting lions eat
The Christians they 'ad caught.

And so it were decided
That on Sunday afternoons
There'd be Lions versus Christians
Interspersed with martial tunes.
And the people came to see it
And they though it were quite grand
To watch the lions eat the Christians
And to listen to the band.
In this manner it continued
And it might continue still
If the score weren't so predictable:
Lions 10 and Christians 0.
 
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