DIGGIN' IN T'GARDEN
by Len Stedall 'Twere spring as I dug in t'garden At t'back o' t'ouse we'd just bought From t'things I dug up you'd almost believe 'Twere there t'last war 'ad bin fought. There were all sorts of pieces o' metal Some bits o' which shone in t'sun There was one bit that looked like t'tail of a plane An another that looked like a gun. I'd bin digging for over 5 minutes And were getting a pain in me back So I called to the Mrs. to get me a beer An a slice o' black pud fer a snack As she gave me my drink she noticed A most peculiar thing In between all t'pieces of metal Were some brown greaseproof paper and string. 'Twere all tied up like a parcel Which we eagerly undid to view A stick wi' an 'orses 'ead 'andle And a cap and three tickets t'zoo. Now you've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom At t'zoo up at Blackpool one year Wi' a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle Gave a lion a poke in the ear? Well I looks at the Mrs. and she looks at me And we both stare in total surprise At t' stick that had once poked Wallace And we couldn't believe our eyes. 'Hang on a minute...' I hear you say 'How can you tell it's the same?' A lad allus knows his own playthings And Albert Ramsbottom's my name. I remember that zoo day at Blackpool Aye, I remember it well. An me stick wi a 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell. I remember how Wallace had swallowed me up I remember the man from the Pru An Dad sending me back wi' a shilling To see what t'tigers could do. I could say thee a reet load o' stories Bout places I went as a lad Bout the good times I 'ad wi' me Mother And t' trouble I had wi' me Dad! Like the time as 'e ruddy near drowned me In t' Mersey 'e made me take t' dip By refusing to pay Ted the boatman Per tuppence per person per trip! Fivepence for three, that's the most that I'll pay", Said Father, "Don't waste time in talk". "Per tuppence per person per trip", answered Ted, "And them, as can't pay, 'as to walk!" "We can walk an all..." said father. "Come Mother It's none so deep, weathers quite mild He 'adn t' took note of the fact they were tall An I were only a child. Then came the time I were sickly With pains in me stummick an 'ead The Doc. said it was my ab-domain So straightway I got sent to bed. He sent up a bottle of physic, Wi' instructions on t' label to say To be taken in a recumbent posture One teaspoonful three times a day . The Doc said, 'In Latin that means lying down.' Said Father, 'That's just what I thought!' But under his breath 'e were thinkin 'Twer a bottle o' medsun I'd bought. 'You're not dosing my lad with Latin!' Said Mother, her face looking grim 'Just plain castor oil's what he's havin' And I'll leave the posture to him! I remember one day for my birthday They took me to visit the tower We took charrybank t' metrollopse And got there at quarter to fower . 'Twere a grand trip an' all I can tell thee Tho' I didn't see Anne Boleyn's ghost I 'ad lots o' fun wi' t' eadsman And a slice o' cold drippin toast. Just a stick wi' an 'orses 'ead 'andle But it brings back some mem'ries for sure I've enjoyed reminissin' me childhood And I'd love to tell thee some more. But I'm getting old and as 'appens With age the memory goes But if thow'd like to know more about me Ask Marriott Edgar... 'e knows!
The end