C. A. Dickens

As I put the roast in the oven
I noticed the gaslight go out
The meter, inside the back cupboard,
Was empty of money, no doubt.
I looked in my pocket for coins
Then looked in the tin for the float
Not one 50 pence was remaining
I had only one five pound note.
I needed some change for the meter
So I put on me scarf and some wellies
And went on me way down t'High Street
And stopped at the shop that sells tellies.
I said to the man at the counter,
"I've found that I'm put on the spot;
I was looking for change for the meter
Cause a fiver won't fit in the slot.
So if you don't mind; it would help me,
I hope that you don't think I'm brash.
But please, if you will. put your hand in the till
And change us this fiver.. for cash".
He looked at me over his glasses
And said in a tone that was frank.
"I'll sell you a plug if you want mate...
but I'm sorry, this isn't a bank.
It's all right you lookin' all flustered
And don't bother startin' to moan
If I gave all of me cash out..
then soon I'd have none of me own.
Then when a real customer comes in
They'd think it was awfully strange
If I had to round up to the next pound
Cause I did not have any change.
So if you don't mind I am busy
There's plenty of jobs I can do.
So bugger off out of me shop, pal.
And take your five quid with yer, too".
I tried the same ploy at the sweet shop
But the woman was certainly not sweet.
In fact she was rude and in a bad mood
And threw me back into the street.
So I wandered into the pound shop
And bought a glass jar with a lid
But I came to a stop when I got out the shop
Cause I still needed change for a quid.
The meter takes 50 pence pieces
And that's what I needed to get.
The light had gone out in me oven
And now I was starting to fret.
My dinner would soon be quite ruined.
And I did not think it was funny.
I'd be having cold stew for me supper
If I could not get the right money.
I finally decided to go to the bank
So I called at the local 'NatWest'
But they look down their noses at people like me
Who have nothing that they can invest.
The girl at the counter looked wicked
With a shock of red hair on her head.
She scowled as I slowly approached her
And waited to hear what I said.
"Do you have an account with this branch, sir"?
The question rang clear in my brain
The look that she gave when I answered
Made the blood run quite cold in my veins.
"I'm thinking of opening one up, though."
I said with despair showing through.
"Well come back when you have" she retorted
"Until then there is nowt I can do".
"Oh come on, I'm not trying to rob you"
Now anger brewed up in my loins.
"I only want change for the meter...
Now give me some 50 pence coins".
Then I put my hand in my pocket
T'was summat I shouldn't have done.
She pressed the alarm in her panic
And screamed out "This blokes got a gun!".
Before I could prove I was harmless
Before there was much I could say.
Two policemen jumped on me from nowhere.
I was handcuffed and taken away.
Now I'm in a cell at the station
They are keeping me in overnight
That means I'll get given some dinner...
So really; it's turned out all right!

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