written and submitted by
Don Jones

Narrator: Harken awhile and Iíll tell ye a tale
Of the sea and a pirate bold.
Of lust and greed and buxom girls
And the search for buried gold.

Our story begins at a lonely Inn
It was called the Gay Buccaneer
At the front of the Inn it was normal
But there were queer goings on at the rear.

Letís meet the villain of this piece
A man with a wooden leg.
His Father was some soldiers
His Motherís name was Peg.

(The curtains open on a scene, a tavern somewhere near the salty sea.
Silver, an old sea dog has a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. He has his one good eye on the serving wench.)

Silver: Whatís your name my pretty one?
Wench: Itís Bridget Sir! Or was!
But the sailors call me bridge
Because I come across!

Silver: Letís you and me go out for a sail
Youíre a beauty, shiver me timbers!
Wench: No Fear! You took my sister out
And all she got was splinters!

Silver: Well how about a tankard of ale?
I could down one as quick as a wink.
Wench: (Pours drink) Certainly Captain, just say when.
Silver: Right after Iíve finished that drink.

Silver: But tell me wench, I need to get
My hands on a lad called Jim.
Wench: Heís cleaning out the septic tank
So I wouldnít go too near him.

(Wench exits. Enter Jim)

Jim: Hello! Iím Jim the cleaning lad
Iíve just been doing the drain. (Points at parrot on Silvers shoulder)
Whatís that upon your shoulder?
Silver: (Brushing his shoulder) Oh Dear! Has he done it again?

Silver: Would you like to be a sailor lad?
And know a sailors lot?
Would you like to go to sea?
Jim: Of course I would! See what?

Silver: (Aside) Now how am I going to get this lad
Aboard my pirate lugger?
Though it shouldnít be too difficult
Heís such a stupid bugger.

Silver: (To Jim) Cleaning out a septic tank
Isnít the life for you!
The life of a sailor is more your style
Sailing the ocean blue.

Silver: Just think of getting the wind in your face
As the waters around you bob.
Jim: Thereís nothing exciting about that stuff
I get all that in this job.

Silver: Avast! Ahoy! You donít understand,
I need as first rate mate!
Weíre going on a treasure hunt!
For gold and pieces of eight.

Jim: Oh my! This is really exciting,
I canít wait to get under way
Which is your ship, come on show me
Is it that one out in the bay?

Silver: (Points off stage) Thatís my ship, That one out there!
But we need some men to rig it.
Jim: Is it a sloop or a warship? Do we set sail now?
Silver: No! Frigate

Silver: Avast! Ahoy! Now Jim my lad
I like the cut of your jib.
And so Iíll come right out with it!
Iíll not tell you a fib!
Silver: (Pointing to Jimís chest) That tattoo upon your chest
Will lead us to untold riches.
I suppose thatís whet your appetite?
Jim: No! Iíve wet me britches.

Silver: Youíll have to keep it a secret
Keep it under your lid.
We donít want that information
To get out to Captain Kidd.
Jim: Not Captain Kidd the lady pirate?
Oh dear! Well well Iím blessed!
Silver: Thatís her, they call her Captain Kidd
ĎCos sheís got a sunken chest.
(They both exit. Enter Captain Kidd and her mate)

Kidd: So thatís his game the crafty salt
Heís after buried treasure.
Weíll get this Jim and strip him down.
In fact itíll be a pleasure.

Kidd: A red hot poker in font of his eyes
That always makes them ill.
I like that one, it always works,
I call it my eye level grill!

Mate: But Captain! What if he doesnít comply?
He might be stubborn or dim.
If he puts up a stiff resistance,
Will you let me handle him?

(Kidd exits. Enter Jim, sees The Mate... he fancies her!)

Jim: Hello! You ainít half a lovely girl
I really fancies you.
Mate: Why not join our pirate band?
Then you could mess with the crew.

Jim: Oh No! I cannot leave this place
Iíve got a job to do.
The landlord wants the gents flushed out!
He wants a new bloo loo!

Mate: Iíll give you a hand with the cleaning,
Come on now letís make haste!
Jim: Well the first thing to do in a job like this,
Is to strip right down to your waist.

Mate: I donít think thatís a good idea
I havenít the right credentials.
Jim: To do this work youíve got to strip
Down to the bare essentials.

Mate: Iím not baring my essentials!
No! Iím not having that one.
Jim: But you wonít have to take everything off.
Iíll let you keep your hat on!

Kidd: Well you are a saucy devil!
Donít tease us any more so.
I know youíve got a treasure map
Tattooed upon your torso.

Mate: Yes come along, now donít be shy
Lift your shirt up quick!
(Both attempt to get Jimís shirt off)
(Mate sayís 'Oh!' puts her finger to her mouth as if it has been cut)

Kidd: What happened? Did you cut yourself?
Mate: No! It was only a little prick!

(Enter Silver)

Silver: Unhand that lad! Avast ahoy!
Or feel the taste of me cutlass!
Jim: Hey! Watch out where youíre waving that thing,
I donít want to end up nut-less!

Kidd: Now listen here you one-legged tar!
Donít say another word.
Iíve got the map and Iíve done to you
What somebody did to your bird!

(Silver grabs Jimís arm, Kidd has the other... they pull)

Silver: Oh no you donít! That map is mine!
Youíre trying to pull a fiddle.
Jim: "Ere steady on, youíll pull me in half!
Mate: Oo! Can I have the bit in the middle?

(There is a lot of pushing and pulling Jim breaks free)

Jim: Now just a minute, stop messing about.
Oh! You ainít half making a fuss.
We should all get together, each giving support
Just like a mutual truss!

Silver: I think heís right, we wonít get anywhere
If we donít all stick together.
It wouldnít do us no good to split him in half.
Jim: And Iím at the end of my tether.

Kidd: Well come on, letís look at the map
Itíll give us a course to steer.
(Kidd starts running her finger around Jimís body.)
Three degrees east, four degrees south
And we should find the treasureÖ
(Her fingers stray below the belt)
Jim: Here!!

Silver: Well come on! What are we waiting for?
I canít wait to hear that gold jingle.
Jim: Cor this is fun! Iím raring to go!
Oh! Iíll have to go for a tinkle!

(All mutter 'So do I, me too etcÖ)

Narrator: And so they set sail on a journey
Full of danger and dread.
Everyone stayed alert and awake,
"Cos the ship only had one bed.

For fourteen days they sailed away.
How the tropical sun did burn
Everyone thought their end was up
And didnít know which way to turn.

(Sounds of a storm)

Then one night a storm blew up.
High seas and terrible gales.
Everyone knew what had to be done
As they all bent over the rails
(Sounds of throwing up etcÖ)

Then the ship hit a reef and started to sink.
Everyone feared the worst.
Then Captain Silver in typical style
Shouted women and Captains first.

In the water Captain Kidd floundered
It was clear she was in distress.
Kidd: Help me! Help me! Drop me a line!
Jim: Okay! Tell me, whatís your address?

(The storm abates all is calm)
Narrator next morning we find a sorry sight!
Only two have survived.
Captain Kidd and her mate are lost
Oh well! Iím not really surprised!

(Silver and Jim enter)

Silver: This is another fine mess youíve got me in,
Weíre in it good and proper.
Jim: You told me to splice the main brace!
Silver: Yes! But not with a blooming chopper!

Silver: And now we are stuck on this desert isle
A couple of shipwrecked tars.
Jim: Well for goodness sake do something,
Donít just sit on your ahhh!!

(Sound of native drums)

Jim: Ah! Whatís that drumming noise I hear?
What on earth can it be?
(Enter two scantily clad native girls)
The natives are revolting!
Silver: They look pretty good to me!

Silver: Now donít you worry, leave this to me,
I will use sign language.
(Silver moves hands about)
Jim: I donít think youíre getting through to them,
It looks like youíre eating a sandwich.

Silver: I think Iím getting the hang of this
Sheíll understand directly.
Girl 1: White man speak with fork-ed tongue
Jim: I hope I heard her correctly.

Girl 1: This is the island of Aphrodisia
Inhabited only by women.
We havenít seen a man for years.
Girl 2: By the way, do you like nude swimming?

Jim: Do you mean to say there isnít one man
On this island neath the sun?
Girl 2: Youíre the first weíve seen for almost ten years.
Silver: I think this is going to be fun!

Girl 1: Only girl babies are born here,
No matter how we try.
Girl 2: The last man died ten years ago.
Silver: I reckon I can guess why!

Girl 1: But now you are here we can start again
And then weíll all be mothers.
Girl 2: You will be my spouse for a day
But Iíll share you with the others.

Silver: Now just a minute, youíll share us?
You mean there are more than two?
Girl 1: Oh Yes! Thereís over a thousand girls
And they will all marry you.

Girl 2: You marry a girl, then divorce her
And marry another next day.
Jim: you mean we have to marry you all?
Isnít there some other way??

Girl 1: It really is quite simple you know,
Itís share and share alike.
Jim: I hope you all live close at hand
Or else I shall need a bike.

Silver: I suppose you know what weíre in for?
Itíll take you all your life.
Day after day the same old grind.
Every day with a different wife.

Silver: Youíll change her again for another
And so on and so on and so on.
Jim: Oo-er! I see you meaning.
In a month itíll need sewing on!

Silver: Just think if weíd found that treasure,
Weíd never have worked again.
Weíd be living the life of Riley.
And weíd have been rich men.

Jim: I see what you mean Capín Silver
How badly weíve been dealt.
Weíll call this Island The Factory
Both: Itís going to be one endless belt!

Narrator: And so this story is ended
But thereís a moral to this tale.
We all are seeking treasure,
As through this life we sail

All that glitters is not gold!
Iím sure youíve heard that quote.
And friends Iím sure you will agree
Weíre all of us in the same boat.
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