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THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF MISS LUCY LUCKETT
by
Ray Lawrence

This is the tale of Lucy Luckett
A country milk-maid with a bucket
Who, tired of the morning squeeze
Of milking cows and churning cheese,
Set out for London's fame untold
Where laying on the streets was GOLD.

Now Lucy was a real go-getter
She'd set her heart on the theatre.
She saw her name up there in lights
So went auditioning - in tights -
Casting off her inhibitions
To try exciting new positions.

She trod the boards in Thespian pose
For wealthy Empresarios
She spouted Shakespeare with a will
For Grade and Cecil B De Mille
And bravely suffered critics' grouches
Between Directors' casting couches.

But alas the London Stage
Did not find Lucy all the rage.
And seeing that her dreams were dead
Sadly, Lucy homeward fled,
There to seek her notoriety
With the local Op. Society.

Auditions held, a tiny part
They gave to Lucy as a start
And seizing this, her greatest chance,
She set herself to sing and dance
To show she was the greatest star
Who ever sang in Operah!

BUT...
Two days before the opening night
The show was struck by tragic plight
There swept - unstopped by Doc or Medic -
A German measles epidemic.
The players ALL - except but one
By spot and flush were overcome.

The one it missed was Lucy Luckett -
Somehow she had the luck to duck it.
Now she must choose - to stop? Postpone?
Or do the show all on her own -
But Lucy's not our girl for nothing -
She had a really First Class Stuffing.

When the opening night arrived
Clever Lucy she contrived
To change her costumes extra fast
To fit the people in the cast.
Managing, by trick and stealth
To play all fourteen parts herself.

FIRST she had to take the lead
A country maid of lesser breed
And then the DASTARD of a Squire
Who did her down amongst the briar -
Twelve players more she must portray
To win the game and save the day.

She also had to sing TOP NOTES
From multitudes of different throats -
Tenor, bass then baritone -
Soprano - yes! All on her own,
Changing clothes in mid refrain
From pants to knickers - back again -
Portraying first the country gent
Next a Damsel - very "quent" -
Then on to play the village pastor
Followed by the old schoolmaster.

She started well
As a country girl
But changing things got sticky
She caught her tie
In the Squire's fly
And zippered off his dicky!

Feeling meek
With blushing cheek
She tried to make amends
She went to kiss
herself - and missed -
And knotted up her ends!

Before she knew it
She'd sung a duet
Danced in gay romance
Then she tried
To stand beside
Herself - and split her pants!

Now Lucy's tragic end drew nigh
She learned the truth, could not deny
Fourteen into one just will not go
Though Lucy rushed both to and fro
Up and down and hither, thither
Never a stumble never a dither
Faster, faster, faster yet
Did Lucy's stage gyrations get
Until, at last, she went so fast
She played at once the COMPLETE CAST!
Fourteen people within one skin
Trying to get out and trying to get in
Until - most tragic of all things -
She left the stage by BOTH the wings! -
Her exit, thus, meant curtains, Quits
Poor Lucy'd pulled herself to BITS!

The moral of this tale, dear folk
Is - use restraint - don't go for broke -
And those of you with Thespian bent
Beware the way poor Lucy went.
Unless, of course, it's in your hearts
To want to only play BIT PARTS!

 
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