ODE TO SKEGNESS
by Dave Forder There's a famous seaside town called Skeggy That's noted for sweet bugger all Mr and Mrs Ackroyd from West Yorkshire went there For an 'oliday and to have a ball. A strange sort of place is Skeggy Especially when you want summat to munch You can't find no where open Cos t'cafes all close for lunch. They'd come down by train from Cleckheckmondsedge But t'journey were a pain in t'ar.......back It took them most of Saturday Some bugger had removed all t'track. They stayed at a reet posh boarding 'ouse But t'brochure 'adn't quite told t'truth It said as 'ow it 'ad sea views But you 'ad to climb up on t'roof. Ackroyd as they say were a self made man But t'job weren't quite complete If you looked closely, there were little bits missing Especially round his legs and his feet. Some say he were in ladies undies But that was his own private life He'd two kids, a cat and a budgie And a bloody great ugly old wife. Now t'children were called Albert and Amanda But it were 'ard to tell which was which Amanda were a reet little tom boy Albert were a reet little bitch. Now Pa Ackroyd were only a little fellah On clothing he did not skimp His suits were all Oxfam rejects And he walked with a pronounced limp. L-I-M-P pronounced limp They say that his wife were a raver She knew how to have a good do She walked around with a mattress strapped to her back In case she met someone she knew. Ma Ackroyd were an awesome woman Of her they do tell many tales How she stopped trains with top of her head And mud wrestled bloody great whales. They were sat on t'beach one day Hoping for some sun and some sin Beach attendant came up and said sniffly "Move on missue, tide wants to come in". At this Ma Ackroyd erupted And she strangled t'poor fellah with her bra Chucked him in t' sea like a crust of bread Laughed and said "Time to go 'ome Pa". Well they walked off back t' boarding house But someone 'ad reported t'crime The coppers they lay in ambush And rushed her - 3 dozen at a time. She went off to court the next morning They took 'er down there by bus The poor old judge was only 4 feet tall Ma said, "These little things are sent to try us". Next time you go down to Skeggy And you see a beach attendant in t'swell Don't pull him out - Ma maybe about With her bra and chuck you in as well.
The end