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ODE TO SKEGNESS
by
Dave Forder

There's a famous seaside town called Skeggy
That's noted for sweet bugger all
Mr and Mrs Ackroyd from West Yorkshire went there
For an 'oliday and to have a ball.

A strange sort of place is Skeggy
Especially when you want summat to munch
You can't find no where open
Cos t'cafes all close for lunch.

They'd come down by train from Cleckheckmondsedge
But t'journey were a pain in t'ar.......back
It took them most of Saturday
Some bugger had removed all t'track.

They stayed at a reet posh boarding 'ouse
But t'brochure 'adn't quite told t'truth
It said as 'ow it 'ad sea views
But you 'ad to climb up on t'roof.

Ackroyd as they say were a self made man
But t'job weren't quite complete
If you looked closely, there were little bits missing
Especially round his legs and his feet.

Some say he were in ladies undies
But that was his own private life
He'd two kids, a cat and a budgie
And a bloody great ugly old wife.

Now t'children were called Albert and Amanda
But it were 'ard to tell which was which
Amanda were a reet little tom boy
Albert were a reet little bitch.

Now Pa Ackroyd were only a little fellah
On clothing he did not skimp
His suits were all Oxfam rejects
And he walked with a pronounced limp.
L-I-M-P pronounced limp

They say that his wife were a raver
She knew how to have a good do
She walked around with a mattress strapped to her back
In case she met someone she knew.

Ma Ackroyd were an awesome woman
Of her they do tell many tales
How she stopped trains with top of her head
And mud wrestled bloody great whales.

They were sat on t'beach one day
Hoping for some sun and some sin
Beach attendant came up and said sniffly
"Move on missue, tide wants to come in".

At this Ma Ackroyd erupted
And she strangled t'poor fellah with her bra
Chucked him in t' sea like a crust of bread
Laughed and said "Time to go 'ome Pa".

Well they walked off back t' boarding house
But someone 'ad reported t'crime
The coppers they lay in ambush
And rushed her - 3 dozen at a time.

She went off to court the next morning
They took 'er down there by bus
The poor old judge was only 4 feet tall
Ma said, "These little things are sent to try us".

Next time you go down to Skeggy
And you see a beach attendant in t'swell
Don't pull him out - Ma maybe about
With her bra and chuck you in as well.

 
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