SHOPPING GUIDE
by
Monty Wells

'Hot Stuff Harry the Handler'
Dealt in stolen goods.
He bought loot from shoplifters
Petty thieves and hoods,

He'd buy nicked cars or jewellery
A watch, necklace or ring,
The 'Gendarmes' kept an eye on him
But couldn't prove a thing.

He had a sidekick, Morris
Who hadn't any class,
He 'shopped' villains to the police
They called him 'Mo the Grass'.

Then one day the headlines screamed.
'BANK OF ENGLAND'S BEEN HIT HARD!
GOLD HAS BEEN SWIPED OVERNIGHT!
THIEVES BAFFLE SCOTLAND YARD.'

The perpetrators of this crime
Knew a good fence must be found
Called on Harry. He gave them cash.
Ten pence in the pound.

Mo knew of this transaction
And gave 'Old Bill' a buzz
The villains got their 'collar felt'
They were picked up by the fuzz.

Cops also wanted nark and fence
And made notes in their diaries,
The duo should both be brought in.
To help with their enquiries.

Now Mo and Harry realised
They had a lot to lose,
They stashed away ill-gotten gains
And, disguised, went on a cruise.

On board the boat, which they chose
To sail across the sea,
Was one, Inspector Gasleek
Whiz kid of the C.I.D.

He watched crooks and saw through
Their disguises in a tick,
As Mo and Harry clung to rail
They were violently sea-sick.

Inspector summoned Captain
And said, "I'll have you know
Those two blokes are miscreants
So lock 'em up below.

The one near us is Harry
I know him despite his wig.
The nark's the farthest from us
Now shove 'em in the brig!

The Captain paused a moment
Not quite sure what to do,
Harry's face was a pea green shade
Mo's was a deeper hue.

"Come on now" said Inspector
It's obvious... it makes sense.
The grass is always greener
On the other side of the fence"