Ivan Bennett

One day a young feller from Burnley,
Who'd just had an increase in pay,
And couldn't afford it usually,
Went into Man-chester fer t'day.

He'd bought 'imself a new cardie,
And spent a few bob on a glass
Of Boddies, the cream of Man-chester,
And tried to chat up the odd lass.

The one's in the pub were reet odd uns an' all.
He gave up the chase pretty soon.
When his belly started to rumble,
And his bum played a different tune.

So he decided it were time for some dinner.
His belly thowt 'is throat 'ad bin cut.
He thowt as he'd try out a restaurant,
Which to pay for he wasn't hard put.

He found a little French Bistro.
It was going to cost a pretty few quid,
And the Specialite de Maison,
Was picking out your own swimming squid.

Gervaise, the head waiter approached him,
And our friend ordered squid with panache.
"Certainly, Sir, which one would you like?"
"The little green one wi' t'moustache!"

"You can't Sir, be serious, surely,
That squid is a pet of ze 'ouse,
It's so mild and soft and so gentle,
Why, it wouldn't harm as much as a mouse!

"Besides which, you see he's a favourite
Of all of the kitchen staff too
To kill him and serve him for dinner
Would cause a great big stinkeroo!

"The lad that washes the dishes,
And looks after the little green chap,
Is a German from Bonn name of Hans
And he feeds him every last scrap."

"No matter," our friend said, determined,
"T'customer's always right so I'm told,
The one with the moustache is the one that I want
And you'd better not serve it up cold!"

Gervaise went off to the kitchen
And soon returned with young Hans
Leaving behind him a lot of rude muttering
And the loud angry banging of pans.

"Please Sir," said Hans with a passion,
"You wouldn't hurt my little friend?"
He fell to his knees and he pleaded
And cried enough to make your heart rend.

This all goes to show that the advert
On television was really quite right
How a well-known proprietary brand
Could get all of your pots clean and bright

For the jingle we hear, proclaims loud and clear
To an uncouth and drunk Burnley kid:
"Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervaise
With mild, green, hairy-lip squid!"

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