TOM AND MARILYN
by 
Mary Druce


When Tom proposed to Marilyn 
she wasn't half excited;
She and her mum drew up a list 
of those to be invited,
And talked of things most men regard 
as trivia and fuss
(The things which every woman knows 
all brides-to-be discuss).
As estimates arrived her Dad 
began to feel quite queasy,
And when they mentioned coach and four, 
decidedly uneasy.
"Look, lass," he said, as kindly as 
he could, and stroked her hair,
"Its getting like t'Millenium Dome, 
and look what happened there."
"Don't take a scrap of notice, chuck," 
her mother cooed and purred.
"I dont know why he says such things, 
they're really quite absurd."
But Marilyn was deep in plans 
for how they could release
(When she and Tom were man and wife) 
two thousand doves of peace.
"We'll really push the boat out, dear, 
exactly as we oughter,"
Said Mum, "For nothing is too good 
for you, our darling daughter.
Your Dad is in agreement 
this will be a great occasion."
"Of course, love," said her husband 
with a sigh of resignation.
"I'll not have folks round here," said Mum, 
"and all the rank and file,
Suggesting that we haven't sent 
our daughter off in style
Some pictures would be nice of you 
reflected in the lake,
As well as groups and bridesmaids 
and the cutting of the cake."
"Oh yes!" squeaked Marilyn, "The cake! 
I ordered it today
From Harrods on the internet. 
I hope that thats OK.
Entirely made of ice-cream, 
with a tiny moulded dove
Upon the top, to symbolise 
the theme of peace and love.
They'll pack it up in ice, and right 
from London they will speed it,
Complete with man to cut and serve 
exactly when we need it!"
Her father raised his eyebrows, 
then he saw his daughter pout.
Perhaps, he thought, on balance, 
it was better to say nowt.
Besides, he'd caught her mothers eye 
and knew that meaning look,
So, with a watery smile he shrugged 
and went back to his book.

The dress (Stella McCartney) 
was a veritable dream;
Wild silk, and off-the shoulder, 
and not boring white, but cream.
So elegant and classy, 
it was way beyond compare,
And Marilyn had opted for 
fresh lilacs in her hair.
Oh, good, said Dad, at least thats one 
bill I won't have to pay.
Theres lilac growing in the ditch, 
I'll check it right away.
"Oh no," said Marilyn, which sent 
his spirits plunging lower,
"I've ordered the organic kind 
directly from the grower."
When Dad had left in silence 
for to potter in his shed,
Her mother raised another point 
that came into her head.
"Now, Tom," said Mum, "what will he wear 
to complement your dress?
No use your looking lovely 
if the bridegroom looks a mess!"
"He's going to wear a morning suit," 
declared the little minx,
"With waistcoat specially made in 
pastel blues and mauves and pinks."
And so the saga went along, 
bill superseding bill;
The women twittered on, and 
poor old Dad, he felt quite ill.
At last he made his mind up 
that he had to have a frank
Discussion with the manager 
down at the Yorkshire Bank.
A loan was organised and, 
having granted his request,
The manager was kind enough 
to wish him all the best.
He told his wife that evening, 
and she countered with a grin,
Well, thats the very least 
that we can do for Marilyn.
She didnt understand, or maybe 
just chose to forget
That they'd be strapped for cash for years 
till they repaid the debt.
But Dad, he was the placid type 
who liked the quiet life
And anyway, he was no match 
for his assertive wife.
He loved his daughter (course he did) 
but couldn't fathom how
She justified this vast expense, 
the selfish little cow.

The great day dawned, the sky was blue, 
the families joined forces,
And Marilyn looked stunning 
in her coach with four white horses.
She gracefully alighted, 
giving all a radiant smile,
With father in position 
to escort her down the aisle.
The congregation turned and looked 
at Marilyn, admiring;
The organist struck up with Jesu, 
Joy of Mans Desiring.
As all the little bridesmaids 
sorted out her ten-foot train,
An awful pause, and then he played 
it several times again.
The people at the front by now 
were gesturing and muttering,
While Marilyn was close to tears, 
her little heart a-fluttering.
A murmur rippled round the church, 
"So where the hell is Thomas?"
"I knew it," whispered Dad, "The bastard's 
gone and broke his promise."