TOM AND MARILYN
by
Mary Druce
When Tom proposed to Marilyn
she wasn't half excited;
She and her mum drew up a list
of those to be invited,
And talked of things most men regard
as trivia and fuss
(The things which every woman knows
all brides-to-be discuss).
As estimates arrived her Dad
began to feel quite queasy,
And when they mentioned coach and four,
decidedly uneasy.
"Look, lass," he said, as kindly as
he could, and stroked her hair,
"Its getting like t'Millenium Dome,
and look what happened there."
"Don't take a scrap of notice, chuck,"
her mother cooed and purred.
"I dont know why he says such things,
they're really quite absurd."
But Marilyn was deep in plans
for how they could release
(When she and Tom were man and wife)
two thousand doves of peace.
"We'll really push the boat out, dear,
exactly as we oughter,"
Said Mum, "For nothing is too good
for you, our darling daughter.
Your Dad is in agreement
this will be a great occasion."
"Of course, love," said her husband
with a sigh of resignation.
"I'll not have folks round here," said Mum,
"and all the rank and file,
Suggesting that we haven't sent
our daughter off in style
Some pictures would be nice of you
reflected in the lake,
As well as groups and bridesmaids
and the cutting of the cake."
"Oh yes!" squeaked Marilyn, "The cake!
I ordered it today
From Harrods on the internet.
I hope that thats OK.
Entirely made of ice-cream,
with a tiny moulded dove
Upon the top, to symbolise
the theme of peace and love.
They'll pack it up in ice, and right
from London they will speed it,
Complete with man to cut and serve
exactly when we need it!"
Her father raised his eyebrows,
then he saw his daughter pout.
Perhaps, he thought, on balance,
it was better to say nowt.
Besides, he'd caught her mothers eye
and knew that meaning look,
So, with a watery smile he shrugged
and went back to his book.
The dress (Stella McCartney)
was a veritable dream;
Wild silk, and off-the shoulder,
and not boring white, but cream.
So elegant and classy,
it was way beyond compare,
And Marilyn had opted for
fresh lilacs in her hair.
Oh, good, said Dad, at least thats one
bill I won't have to pay.
Theres lilac growing in the ditch,
I'll check it right away.
"Oh no," said Marilyn, which sent
his spirits plunging lower,
"I've ordered the organic kind
directly from the grower."
When Dad had left in silence
for to potter in his shed,
Her mother raised another point
that came into her head.
"Now, Tom," said Mum, "what will he wear
to complement your dress?
No use your looking lovely
if the bridegroom looks a mess!"
"He's going to wear a morning suit,"
declared the little minx,
"With waistcoat specially made in
pastel blues and mauves and pinks."
And so the saga went along,
bill superseding bill;
The women twittered on, and
poor old Dad, he felt quite ill.
At last he made his mind up
that he had to have a frank
Discussion with the manager
down at the Yorkshire Bank.
A loan was organised and,
having granted his request,
The manager was kind enough
to wish him all the best.
He told his wife that evening,
and she countered with a grin,
Well, thats the very least
that we can do for Marilyn.
She didnt understand, or maybe
just chose to forget
That they'd be strapped for cash for years
till they repaid the debt.
But Dad, he was the placid type
who liked the quiet life
And anyway, he was no match
for his assertive wife.
He loved his daughter (course he did)
but couldn't fathom how
She justified this vast expense,
the selfish little cow.
The great day dawned, the sky was blue,
the families joined forces,
And Marilyn looked stunning
in her coach with four white horses.
She gracefully alighted,
giving all a radiant smile,
With father in position
to escort her down the aisle.
The congregation turned and looked
at Marilyn, admiring;
The organist struck up with Jesu,
Joy of Mans Desiring.
As all the little bridesmaids
sorted out her ten-foot train,
An awful pause, and then he played
it several times again.
The people at the front by now
were gesturing and muttering,
While Marilyn was close to tears,
her little heart a-fluttering.
A murmur rippled round the church,
"So where the hell is Thomas?"
"I knew it," whispered Dad, "The bastard's
gone and broke his promise."
