Peter Wyllie 2003
My wife said, 'It's time you went shopping
Our food store is getting quite low.
And since I am busy this morning,
And you're doing nowt, you can go!'
She wrote me a list of essentials
Just as they occurred to her mind
So I would be sure to remember
Those items that I had to find.
But when I arrived at the car park
It seemed like a circus parade!
With clowns and a band who were wearing
Smart uniforms covered in braid!
The reason for all this excitement
I found, as I walked to the door,
Was the launch of their "Satellite Trolley"
Which guides shoppers all round the store.
"All you have to do" said the lady,
"Is tell it the items you need
And then it will take you to find them
You'll find that it's simple indeed".
So I told it the things that I wanted
The cauliflower, carrots and greens
Eggs, sausages, pasta and Marmite;
Then tins of tomatoes and beans.
When all of my items were entered
The panel lights started to glow
And after a moment of buzzing
The screen displayed "All systems go!"
The trolley set off like a rocket
With me clinging on at the back
Just like a Frank Spencer disaster
Or a scud missile on the attack!
We just missed an elderly lady
(Who had to sit down with the shock!)
As it sped down the aisles, I noticed
It showed "45" on the clock!
The trolley was simply demented
It developed a mind of its own
And I shut my eyes and lamented
This trip to the shop all alone!
Like a dervish it swept on regardless
As the satellite up in the sky
Continued to signal and guide it
To those things I wanted to buy.
Alas, when it found what I needed,
There was no way of making it stop
And the trolley just swept on regardless
On it's journey, at speed, round the shop.
This madness looked set to continue
As customers dived out the way
And I, though not very religious,
Now found myself starting to pray!
The security staff started to panic
And tried to get hold of my shirt
But the trolley evaded their clutches.
And the tannoy gave out "Red Alert"
The police were called out from their station;
They arrived with their lights flashing blue.
The SAS dropped from a chopper
(It was secret, so nobody knew!)
There were smoke bombs and tear gas aplenty
That rose up in the air like a cloud.
My eardrums were hurting and bursting
The noise was so terribly loud!
At last, in a trice it was over
The Trolley lay silent and dead;
While I was thrown up in a whirlwind
Ending up with my face in the bread!
The company were quite nice about it
They said I should get a reward
So they gave double points as a bonus
(The most, they said, they could afford)
But as I picked up all my shopping
To pay for it, round at the till
I have to say that I was shaking
And feeling decidedly ill!
So though the technology's marv'lous,
(Controlled by a satellite brain)
I must tell you that, having once tried it,
I will not dare use it again!