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UNCLE JOE
by
Will Newman

When I was a kid at school I was very fat, and spotty into the bargain.
I never had a pot to... Well, I never had a farthing.
But all of that was about to change as my fat began to go,
And all of this was the fault of my little Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe was only tiny, just about four feet two
But a stronger man I never met, there was nothing he couldn't do.
He used to rip up toilet paper and smash lolly sticks with one hand,
He had a chest expander made from three elastic bands.

"Now listen lad I'll tell thee..." one day he said to me,
"You ll have to shift that blubber if you want to be like me.
And being like him was my only dream so soon I started training
I ran like a madman to the bottom of our street... but came back cause it was raining.

Hurdling garden gates, that were laying on the ground
Climbing the sheer face of a skirting board, Uncle Joe was oh so proud.
Beat my pulse at racing, done a hundred lengths of our tin bath,
Boxing groceries in my dad's shop, no prize for being last.

It was as if my Uncle Joe had waved a metabolic magic wand,
'Cause I awoke one morning and found my weight had gone.
Some say that I'd lost puppy fat some say it's 'cause I'd grown,
But I say Uncle Joe, had come into his own.

Uncle Joe had been a sailor and sailed the seven seas,
A powerful man was my hero, then he said he had to leave.
I remember it like yesterday as he took my now slim hand,
"Here Son is your legacy." and gave me three elastic bands.

I never saw Uncle Joe again they say he went to sea,
But he'd been a land lubber for donkey's years so it was a big surprise to me.
I think of him to this very day and I swear on moonlit nights
I hear the sound of ripping toilet paper, so I know that he's alright.

 
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