Alan Hardwick

Wimpole was a hunter
he hunted many things
things with legs and bums and heads
and things with great big wings.

His rooms were full of trophies
of animals big and small
But his pride and joy of all this game
was hanging in his hall.

As Wimpole gazed at that ferocious head
hanging next to the downstairs loo
he recalled the day many years ago
when he hunted the Littlehampton Shrew.

The shrew it was a dangerous beast
that terrorized southern folk
It would steal their fruit and nibble their nuts
and the men thought this is no joke.

News of the shrew traveled far and wide
it appeared in all the worlds papers
and this is how Wimpole, whilst having some tea
first heard of the shrews dreadful capers.

Struck with fear and with dread
Wimpole sat up in bed as he stared at headlines in`t Sun
As he read of the shrew he knew what he must do
so he got up and went and fetched gun.

He planned all that night how he would carry out fight
till his eyes were weary and numb
He would sneak up from rear so the shrew wouldn t hear
and give him a blast up the bum.

He stalked his prey by following tracks
because he d studied their behavioral habits
and with his trained hunters eye he d noticed one thing
shrews aren t a bit like rabbits.

He followed the tracks into an old disused church
but they didn t come out toothier side
His knees gave a knock and his heart gave a lurch
as he realized the shrew s still inside.

He crept up to door and pushed it aside
and stepped into Gods hallowed halls
but the shrew wasn t thick, it picked up a stick
and walloped him right in the knees.

Wimpole spun and faced his foe
and brought his gun to bear
but as he cocked his weapon he saw
the shrew was no longer there.

As Wimpole searched around in vain
he heard a noise above
He glanced up top just in time
to see shrew give big bell a shove

Wimpole looked around for escape
and panic spread over his face
The rope caught his leg and pulled him up tight
and he found himself hurtling through space.

Halfway up he passed bell going down
then found himself wrapped round a rafter
He was just going to check he was all in one piece
when he heard the shrews eerie laughter.

Wimpole held his chattering teeth
because he knew he d lost his rifle
He glanced at church floor a long way beneath
and wobbled, just a trifle.

Wimpole reached out for support
and grabbed the nearest beam
but he caught his braces on drainpipe
and the shrew dropped of with a scream.

The deadly rodent dropped through the air
it s flapping arms didn t do the trick
It made a splash-down in`t middle of font
and immediately sank like a brick.

Wimpole came down to hear the shrews dying words
as it dragged itself out with a tug
The hunter bent closer to hear what it said
and with it s last breath, it bit Wimpoles lug

Wimpole came back to a heroes return
the people all sang out with cheer
but he only heard those that stood on the left
because of the bandage around his right ear

Wimpole met the Lord Mayor, even sat in his chair
and was knighted while down on one knee
and when ballyhoo were done, he buggered off home
and made himself a nice cup of tea.

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