WIMPOLE THE HUNTER
by Alan Hardwick Wimpole was a hunter he hunted many things things with legs and bums and heads and things with great big wings. His rooms were full of trophies of animals big and small But his pride and joy of all this game was hanging in his hall. As Wimpole gazed at that ferocious head hanging next to the downstairs loo he recalled the day many years ago when he hunted the Littlehampton Shrew. The shrew it was a dangerous beast that terrorized southern folk It would steal their fruit and nibble their nuts and the men thought this is no joke. News of the shrew traveled far and wide it appeared in all the worlds papers and this is how Wimpole, whilst having some tea first heard of the shrews dreadful capers. Struck with fear and with dread Wimpole sat up in bed as he stared at headlines in`t Sun As he read of the shrew he knew what he must do so he got up and went and fetched gun. He planned all that night how he would carry out fight till his eyes were weary and numb He would sneak up from rear so the shrew wouldn t hear and give him a blast up the bum. He stalked his prey by following tracks because he d studied their behavioral habits and with his trained hunters eye he d noticed one thing shrews aren t a bit like rabbits. He followed the tracks into an old disused church but they didn t come out toothier side His knees gave a knock and his heart gave a lurch as he realized the shrew s still inside. He crept up to door and pushed it aside and stepped into Gods hallowed halls but the shrew wasn t thick, it picked up a stick and walloped him right in the knees. Wimpole spun and faced his foe and brought his gun to bear but as he cocked his weapon he saw the shrew was no longer there. As Wimpole searched around in vain he heard a noise above He glanced up top just in time to see shrew give big bell a shove Wimpole looked around for escape and panic spread over his face The rope caught his leg and pulled him up tight and he found himself hurtling through space. Halfway up he passed bell going down then found himself wrapped round a rafter He was just going to check he was all in one piece when he heard the shrews eerie laughter. Wimpole held his chattering teeth because he knew he d lost his rifle He glanced at church floor a long way beneath and wobbled, just a trifle. Wimpole reached out for support and grabbed the nearest beam but he caught his braces on drainpipe and the shrew dropped of with a scream. The deadly rodent dropped through the air it s flapping arms didn t do the trick It made a splash-down in`t middle of font and immediately sank like a brick. Wimpole came down to hear the shrews dying words as it dragged itself out with a tug The hunter bent closer to hear what it said and with it s last breath, it bit Wimpoles lug Wimpole came back to a heroes return the people all sang out with cheer but he only heard those that stood on the left because of the bandage around his right ear Wimpole met the Lord Mayor, even sat in his chair and was knighted while down on one knee and when ballyhoo were done, he buggered off home and made himself a nice cup of tea.
The end