THE YORKSHIRE DON JUAN
Here's a tale regarding fashion a la mode
'Bout a salesman who broke the salesman's code
Though some customers are kissable
Kissing them's dismissable
When work and pleasure meet - always be discreet...
I left my Yorkshire home one fateful day
For a salesman's job on't streets of Liverpool
But not long out of school
T' sales team tret me like a fool
And almost every day my stock wor slippers and lingerie...
I met two merchant seamen set to sail
And asked what they missed most when out at sea.
Small un said, 'This ale,
But sometimes - in a gale -
I miss me Mrs and me Mrs misses me.
So we toasted merchant seamen's loyalty
And tall un said, 'That's true that, I agree.
We've got girls in every port
And although we don't go short
I miss the kisses that me Mrs gives to me.'
So I told them that I sold from door to door
Such items as a Mrs might be missing
Special stuff for t' bottom drawer...
But sometimes they wanted more
And I really made them listen when I started reminiscing 'bout this
Mrs I'd been kissing...
'She's a right big lass that lives on Daisy Street.
She wears size ten slippers and those slippers are full of feet.
In a flannelette nightie she looks like Aphrodite.
And when that big Mrs kisses I really know what bliss is.'
But small seaman started to repeat...
'She wears size ten slippers and lives on Daisy Street?
She gets flighty in a well upholstered nightie?
That's my Mrs giving kisses in them slippers - and that nightie was a
T' atmosphere in t' Mermaid Inn grew tense.
I said, 'Oh, that's a coincidence!'
Then tall un said, 'Before you do him in,
Your Mrs is a twin.
It's complicated this is. That twin lives near your Mrs.
Perhaps he never kissed her. Perhaps he kissed her sister.
A fog horn sounded mournful out on t' Mersey,
As small un came up close, nose to nose.
My heart wor pounding in my jersey.
I knew I would get no mercy.
Small un said, 'Was that flannelated
Mrs giving kisses in them slippers Rose or Liz?'
Questioned under oath, I would have answered, 'Both'.
Instead I pondered, where did small un plight his troth?
The I took a gamblers' chance and I chose 'Rose!'
Small un said, 'That's grim.
I'm married to Liz, but small un's married to him!'
Then tall un shook his fist and said, 'Do you want some of dis?
My greatest wish is to feed you to the fishes.'
But small un said, 'It's alright son, we're joking!
There's something about a salesman that's provoking.
Our wives are quite petite.
They've not got size ten feet!
But those twin sisters giving kisses in them slippers were once
I said to small un, 'Run that past me again.'
'Rose and Liz of Daisy Street were once called Reg and Len.
You think you're a Yorkshire Don Ju-an,
But you don't know what you're doing!'
And with many more jibes at me, those seamen went off to sea.
So remember: next time you are kissing Mr, miss or Mrs,
be sure to ask yourself, 'Do I know which this is?'