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Gordon Kerr-Smith Monologues
 
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SIR WALTER RALEIGH
(or how to stop smoking)
by
Gordon Kerr-Smith

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I'll tell you an old Tudor Story,
A bit diff'rent from what you'll 'ave read;
Of 'ow Queen Elizabeth got quite a shock,
Which cost Walter Raleigh 'is 'ead.

It 'appened like this; young Sir Walter,
On 'is travels, of luck 'ad a stroke,
When 'e brought back tobacco from t'U.S. of A.,
And taught everyone 'ow to smoke.

This brought 'im immediate fortune,
For once folk 'ad sampled a fag
They was 'ooked straight away on the 'abit,
And 'ad to keep 'avin' a drag!

From t' Royalties that 'e were gettin',
Walter bought the most ornate attire,
Which made other courtiers jealous
They kept askin' 'im, "Where was t' fire?"

'E quickly became the Queen's Fav'rit,
And angered the bold Francis Drake
When 'e gave t' Queen a cigarette 'older
Made of silver, to smoke 'er Gold Flake.

For a while all went well for Sir Walter,
'Is riches continued to grow,
And 'e ordered a posh cape of ermine
So 'e really could put on a show.

On the day t' tailor 'ad the cape ready,
Walter donned it and felt a right toff.
'e paraded it round at the Palace,
Where they booed 'im for bein' a show-off!

But Walter just laughed at these comments,
And carried on struttin' around,
Till 'e noticed that t' Queen, who were passin'
Would step in a puddle on t' ground.

Not 'esitatin' for a moment,
'e whipped off 'is cape like a flash,
And spread it out over the puddle,
Bowin' low with a great deal of dash.

'e reckoned this act would bring favour,
And t' Queen would be proper impressed,
So she might even give 'im a Dukedom,
Which'd be one in the eye for t' rest!

With a smile, t' Queen stepped on the garment,
Then let out a loud shriek of fright
As she vanished down great open man-'ole,
That t' puddle 'ad 'idden from sight!

Gordon Kerr Smith Monologues

By t' time she were rescued, all drippin',
And not smellin' much like a flower,
She were not a bit keen on Sir Walter,
And packed 'im straight off to the Tower.

For years Walter pleaded for Justice,
Sayin' Drake must 'ave moved man-'ole lid;
But Drake said 'e knew nowt about it,
Which wasn't quite true, 'cos 'e did!

Through gettin' this 'orrible soakin',
Queen Bess was took poorly, and died;
But James, the new King, hated smoking,
And wouldn't let Walter outside.

Due to protests from t' League of Non-Smokers,
Who said smokin' made people cough,
King James were persuaded to pro-nounce
That poor Walter's 'ead should come off.

Gordon Kerr Smith Monologues

As they led 'im to t' Block that last mornin',
'e were offered a last cigarette,
But 'e said, "No, I'm tryin' to stop smokin',
And happen I'll manage it yet!"
 
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