SIR WALTER RALEIGH
(or how to stop smoking)
by
Gordon Kerr-Smith




I'll tell you an old Tudor Story,
A bit diff'rent from what you'll 'ave read;
Of 'ow Queen Elizabeth got quite a shock,
Which cost Walter Raleigh 'is 'ead.

It 'appened like this; young Sir Walter,
On 'is travels, of luck 'ad a stroke,
When 'e brought back tobacco from t'U.S. of A.,
And taught everyone 'ow to smoke.

This brought 'im immediate fortune,
For once folk 'ad sampled a fag
They was 'ooked straight away on the 'abit,
And 'ad to keep 'avin' a drag!

From t' Royalties that 'e were gettin',
Walter bought the most ornate attire,
Which made other courtiers jealous —
They kept askin' 'im, "Where was t' fire?"

'E quickly became the Queen's Fav'rit,
And angered the bold Francis Drake
When 'e gave t' Queen a cigarette 'older
Made of silver, to smoke 'er Gold Flake.

For a while all went well for Sir Walter,
'Is riches continued to grow,
And 'e ordered a posh cape of ermine
So 'e really could put on a show.

On the day t' tailor 'ad the cape ready,
Walter donned it and felt a right toff.
'e paraded it round at the Palace,
Where they booed 'im for bein' a show-off!

But Walter just laughed at these comments,
And carried on struttin' around,
Till 'e noticed that t' Queen, who were passin'
Would step in a puddle on t' ground.

Not 'esitatin' for a moment,
'e whipped off 'is cape like a flash,
And spread it out over the puddle,
Bowin' low with a great deal of dash.

'e reckoned this act would bring favour,
And t' Queen would be proper impressed,
So she might even give 'im a Dukedom,
Which'd be one in the eye for t' rest!

With a smile, t' Queen stepped on the garment,
Then let out a loud shriek of fright
As she vanished down great open man-'ole,
That t' puddle 'ad 'idden from sight!



By t' time she were rescued, all drippin',
And not smellin' much like a flower,
She were not a bit keen on Sir Walter,
And packed 'im straight off to the Tower.

For years Walter pleaded for Justice,
Sayin' Drake must 'ave moved man-'ole lid;
But Drake said 'e knew nowt about it,
Which wasn't quite true, 'cos 'e did!

Through gettin' this 'orrible soakin',
Queen Bess was took poorly, and died;
But James, the new King, hated smoking,
And wouldn't let Walter outside.

Due to protests from t' League of Non-Smokers,
Who said smokin' made people cough,
King James were persuaded to pro-nounce
That poor Walter's 'ead should come off.

As they led 'im to t' Block that last mornin',
'e were offered a last cigarette,
But 'e said, "No, I'm tryin' to stop smokin',
And happen I'll manage it yet!"