THE TRUE HISTORY OF
THE RED SEA EPISODE
by
Walter Stanford (1920)
The 'First Born' job was a terrible blow 
To the Life Assurance folk. 
"Another affair like this" they thought, 
"And we'll all be stoney broke." 

So they flocked in a body to Pharaoh's house 
With every sign of woe 
And said, "Oh King, they servants beseech thee 
To let these Hebrews go. 

For nobody knows what will come on us next, 
If the troublesome bounders stop 
Another event like we had last night, 
And we might as well shut up shop!" 

Now the King was as stubborn as fourteen mules 
But he graciously heard their pleas 
For he thought of all the numerous shares 
He held in the various companies. 

So he sent for Moses and said, 
"My man, out royal colours we strike 
Just tell thy clan they've our full permission 
To slope as soon as they like." 

So Moses went out and he said to the Sheenies, 
"Great news! Listen you chaps, 
Toddle off home to your wives and tell 'em 
To pack up their blooming traps 

But first of all borrow your neighbours' clobber 
Their toppers and dresses of silk 
For, this evening, we start for a treat of a place 
That reeks of honey and milk." 

And the self-same night did the Hebrews bunk 
Not a moment they delayed 
And Miriam banged on a tambourine 
And chanted, "The Anchor¹s Weighed." 

Some days they marched, while the poor Egyptians, 
Feeling extremely raw 
Kept asking themselves, "What on earth did we lend 
them our jewels and clothing for?" 

And at last they went to Pharaoh, saying, 
"Oh Monarch, these Hebrew dogs 
Have gone and bunked it with all our treasures 
As well as our Sunday togs." 

And Pharaoh cried, "That's their game, then, is it? 
We¹ll soon be on their track 
Get out a column of chariots quick 
And we'll fetch the perishers back." 

The King and his 'Tommies' set off in haste 
And two days later, with glee 
They spotted the Children of Israel 
Camped on the shores of the blue Red Sea. 

And when the latter beheld the army 
A trembling affected their legs. 
"For" they said, "If Pharaoh puts mits on us 
Then it¹s up with us, sure as eggs." 

But Moses calmed them saying, 
"My pippins, don¹t worry, keep all serene 
And I¹ll show you the smartest conjuring trick 
That any one here has seen 

Then he pointed his wand at the Red Sea waves 
Crying, "Abracadabra! Fly." 
And the sea went piling to left and to right 
With a path up the middle dry!

Then cool and calm, a procession he formed 
And the order to start he gave 
And they sung, as they marched 'twixt the liquid walls 
"A Life in the Ocean Wave." 

A squad of sappers walked on in front 
Each puffing a seasoned clay 
And the smoke they made was a sign that showed 
The rest of the tribe the way. 

And when night shades fell in the briny street 
The sight was grand indeed 
Like a pillar of flame was the gleaming glow 
That rose from the burning weed. 

And when the sappers dropped in the rear 
Then Pharaoh fumed and cussed 
For his men were pretty near choked to death 
On account of the smoke and dust. 

But the Jews still marched, while the only sounds 
Were the loud ear-piercing squalls 
When the kids got spanked for stopping to pick 
The mackerel out of the walls.

And finally, safely across the tide 
Got Moses and all his crew 
While the 'Gyptian column was messing about 
With the chariots half way through. 

For they'd left in such a desperate hurry 
To get on the Hebrews' heels 
That they'd been and gone and clean forgotten 
To grease their chariots wheels.

When the last of the fugitives reached the shore 
Then Moses remarked, "It's plain 
I've upset one of the natural laws 
I must put that right again."

So again he waved his jigger around 
Crying, "Abracadabra! Close." 
And the walls bulged in, while a shout of joy 
From the rescued Hebrews rose 

And poor old Pharaoh and all his host 
Were drowned extremely dead 
And those that didn't get washed ashore 
Still sleep in their Red Sea bed. 
The end