THE COACHMAN
BREAKS THE NEWS
performed by
Warren Hastings
 After twelve months away from home, the master is picked up from the station...

Welcome home again, sir! I’m pleased to see you here 
You must have been away from home for pretty nigh a year
A-shootin’ bears and tigers, and things like that, we’ve heard 
Well now, just think of that, you know! it fairly takes the bird. 

Yes, jump in the trap, sir - I haven’t brought the brougham 
I thought you’d like the breath of air that’s followed last night’s storm 
You’re lookin’ fit and well, sir, I’m very pleased to see 
What? have I any news, sir? Is it that you’re askin’ me? 

Oh, of course, I quite forgot, sir, you ain’t had news from home 
Since first you went a-shootin’ in a land across the foam 
Well, first I ought to tell you... your poor old dog is dead 
Yes, poor Jock I mean, sir... yes, sir, he was well bred.

How did he come to die, sir? Well, if I ain’t a liar 
The poor old dog was killed the night your house was set on fire 
What, never heard of that, sir? Upon my word, that’s strange 
It must be well nigh three months since the fire at the Grange. 

How did it happen? Well, you see, some people seem to think 
As a candle near the corpse... What corpse? Well, strike me pink
You didn’t know your Aunt was dead? Well this is mighty queer 
It’s strange what seems to happen when you’re off from home a year. 

What did your Aunt die of? Well, the doctors wouldn’t say 
But I reckon I could tell ‘em, if they’d let me have my way.
Your Aunt died of shock, sir, three days before the fire 
The day she heard your wife, sir... had run off with the squire. 

Ah, don’t take it like that, sir... it’s pitiful to see 
Just step into my cottage, and have a drop of tea. 
I know it’s mighty hard, sir, to get these blows so rough 
But I’ve got one bit of good news left... I had the old dog stuffed. 
The end