CURIOUS CALLINGS
performed by
Warren Hastings
I'm what they calls a Trusserupperturkeys, 
A Turkeytrusserupperer, I be. 
I works late in December, 
An' I'm a paid-up member 
Of the Turkeytrussers Union, you see. 
I never picks no fevvers-I should worry. 
That's a different branch of industry, Not 'arf !
Of course, I 'as a mate, 
Provided by The State,
('E's wot they calls a 'Supplimentry Starf') 
'Is job's to 'old the string, an' pass the skewers.
Nah an' then 'e makes a cuppa tea.
By workin' night an' day,
'E 'opes to be, one day,
A Turkeytrusserupperer, like me.

I'm a Cutteruppercatsmeat in a cafe, 
Where they serves a 'Special Lunch' fer two-an'-free.
I cuts up chunks of 'orse
Per 'Curried Beef' o' course,
An' 'Shepherds Pie,' an' 'Sossige Meat' yer see. 
I started at the bottom cuttin' rabbits,
An' arter years o' study, got to pork.
I sat fer me exams, an' passed in cuttin' 'ams, 
An' won a silver-'andled knife-an'-fork. 
I claims to be the King o' Cutteruppers, 
An' when that big new whalin' vessel sails, 
I'll be right there on board,
Bein' treated like a lord,
The Super-Champeen Cutterupper Whales!

I'm a Flipperupper Flap-jacks in a factory,
I flips the flippin' flap-jacks in the air.
The workers all agree
There ain't no bloke like me
For flippin', flippin' flap-jacks, anywhere.
I flipped a flap-jack in the air this mornin',
It went up 'igher than the eye can see.
It went so flippin' 'igh,
It stayed up in the sky,
An' only just come dahn in time fer tea.
There ain't no easy road to flippin' flap-jacks,
I studied 'ard fer firty flippin' years. 
By 'ook, or flippin' crook, 
I'm gonna write a book
Called 'Flippin', Flippin' Flap-Jacks Wivout Tears!'

I'm a Busterupper Brick-bats in the Belfry, 
A knocker-aht of Nit-Wits on the wing. 
There's barmy bats up there,
Wot nestles in yer, 'air,
An' shrieks aht 'orrid shahts, like anyfing.
I'm a Crackerupper Crack-pots wot is crackers 
A layer-aht of lunatics wot croons.
I coshes cock-eyed cranks, 
Like phoney 'igh-brow swanks,
An' them what plays them boogie-woogie toons
An' blokes wiv bees a 'buzzin' ' in their bonnets, 
Potty pie-cans, dopey-drips, an' mugs,
Pin-'eads, coots, an' poops, 
Twirps, an' boop-a-doops,
An' jitter-bugs, an' jivers cuttin' rugs! 
The end