ALGY'S ABSOLUTELY FULL OF TACT
 
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Now Algy's awf'lly fond of lobsters when he goes to dine
And so he ordered one the other night
But when the waiter brought it Algy saw one claw had gone
So Algy told the waiter 'twasn't right
The waiter said the lobsters were delivered all alive
And kept down in the cellar on the floor
They were so fierce they fought
Until 'twas time that they were boiled
And in a fight this one had lost a claw.

Chorus: But Algy's absolutely full of tact
He always knows exactly how to act
He said, 'Nor this for dinner, run downstairs and fetch a winner.'
For Algy's absolutely full of tact.


Now at a dance the other night, where Algy chanced to be
He saw a lady standing near the door
The plainest thing he'd ever seen in all his long career
A face like her's he'd never seen before
He asked a Johnny next to him, 'Who is that awful girl
For dreaful frights she really heads the list?'
The man turned round and glared at him, and hissed in Algy's ear
'Confound you, sir, MY WIFE' and clenched his fist.

Chorus: But Algy's absolutely full of tact
He always knows exactly how to act
He said, 'Don't make a shine, you ought to just see mine.'
For Algy's absolutely full of tact.


Once on a train the other day a lady had four boys
And hadn't got them tickets - 'twasn't right
And so she got the biggest one to lie flat on the seat
And made the other three sit on him tight
The inspector came with, 'Tickets please' she handed him her own
And said, 'They're under age' (which wasn't true)
'You haven't even half ones, I shall have to take your name.'
When Algy chipped in quick and helped her through.

Chorus: But Algy's absolutely full of tact
He always knows exactly how to act
He said, 'Why can't you see the biggest's UNDER THREE
For Algy's absolutely full of tact.


Now at a hotel that I know, where Algy stayed some days
He was standing near a fellow at the bar
And both had ordered modestly a glass of lager beer
And Algy was discussing his new car
But Algy drank the other man's, quite by mistake you know
The glasses were the same, so 'twasn't queer
The man picked up his empty glass and turned to Algy quick
And said, You silly ass, you've drunk my beer.'

Chorus: But Algy's absolutely full of tact
He always knows exactly how to act
He said, 'That's yours? how fine, then 'This One' must be mine.'
He drank that too - he's simply full of tact.


Once Algy went to Paris, though he couldn't parley voo
And in the street a funeral passed him by
It was a huge affair, and Algy asked, 'Who's dead?'
'Je ne comprends pas' the Frenchman made reply
Algy thought it fearfully sad, 'It must be someone great.'
Said he, and wandered sadly home to bed
Next day he saw a wedding crowd, and asked, 'Who's being spliced?'
'Je ne comprends pas' again a fellow said.

Chorus: But Algy's absolutely full of tact
He always knows exactly how to act
He said, 'Now get away, he was buried yesterday.'
For Algy's absolutely full of tact.
 
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Written, composed and Performed by Frederick Chester
 
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