ALL BECOS 'E'S MINDING A 'OUSE
 
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Now when a bloke gets pushed into a decent sort of berth
'E's cocky an' his pride begins to show
The story's old but you can take my tale for what it's worth
About a little cove I used to know
'E lived around our neighbourhood, as humble as a mouse
But now 'e's got a billet in the West
A big pot's gone away and left 'im there to mind 'is 'ouse
You ought to 'ear 'im chuck it off 'is chest.

Chorus: There 'e stands outside the front street door
Smoking a topper what 'e's found
You would think that 'e owns the place
By the knowing look upon 'is face
And all through living there among the nobs
On 'is old pals 'e looks down
And it's all becos 'e's minding a 'ouse
While the family is out of town.

'E cleans the doorstep ev'ry morn, the knocker and the bell
'E likes to get it done and cleared away
Becos 'e wants the people round to think that 'e's the swell
And walks about in 'igh 'ats all the day
'E goes out in the garden wiv the guv'nor's shooting kit
And shoots the sparrers, tho' 'e calls them quails
And wiv a loaded gun upon the dustbin 'e will sit
And kid 'imself 'e's in the North of Wales.

Chorus:

'E plays the grand pianner, just to pass the time away
'E's learnt a couple of bars of ''Ome sweet 'ome'
Although a penny whistle is a lot more in 'is line
Or a bit of tissue paper round a comb
'E comes out on the balcony, as though 'e was the pot
And don't 'e get the needle when yer shout
'I say, cockalorum, 'ow much longer 'ave yer got
Before the boss come 'ome and chucks yer out?'

Chorus:

 
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Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
 
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